Pope to allow Fellatio; Cunnilingus

Vatican City (AP) Priests all over the world celebrated as Pope Benedict XVI announced today that Catholic priests will now be allowed to receive fellatio and administer cunnilingus. This is in keeping with the Pope’s “modernization” of the Church.

“Celibacy needs to be defined”, the Pontiff said in a prepared statement. “I don’t think the founders of our Church ever meant to say that priests can’t have orgasms. However, priests are still forbidden from having their penis enter the vagina. Celibacy has not been abandoned”.

Fr. John McElwyn of St. Johns Cathedral praised the Pope’s decision. “Hopefully this historic decision will help sway young people to the church and steer priests away from young boys”, McElwyn said.

Sister Mary Ellen Ignatius expressed concern that the Pope was not addressing the sexual needs of nuns. “We want some too”, the sister proclaimed. “The entire church has been male dominated for hundreds of years.”

Seemingly in response to Sister Ignatius request, the Pontiff later proclaimed that the standards that apply to priests will apply equally to nuns. The Pope further added, “Anal intercourse will be permitted but strictly for non-homosexuals and lesbians. Guys on guys just totally weirds me out”.

The Pope also clarified sexual rules for the lay members. "There shall be no church restriction on Dildos, Vibrators French Ticklers or other forms of marital aids and sexual enhancement", the Pontiff decreed, "however, condoms are still forbidden". A Pontifical spokesperson said the use of sexual enhancements is in keeping with the Bibles rule of "be fruitful and multiply". "This enables more people to be more fruitful and do more multiplying" the spokesperson said.

The Pope admitted that he enjoys having his feet kissed and sees little difference between that and a full fledged blow job. His Holiness explained that it is important for priests to be able to at least partly relate to the lay believers.

Some long time parishioners were skeptical of the Popes success. “How is he going to enforce the part about keeping the penis out of the vagina?” asked 53 year old stockbroker and daily churchgoer Richard Merullo. “This is all just a crock of shit”.

The Pontiff was in conference with Sister Ignatius and not immediately available to comment.

Is masturbation SINFUL???

I actually met a "Christian" the other day who though masturbation is sinful! I felt sorry for this guy as he is young and denying himself something that every young man and woman does -- and I suspect he does too.

I patiently explained to him that during Biblical times it was considered a waste of good sperm to waste it on wanking as there were not many people in the world. However, we now live in an over-populated world. If people do not masturbate then they are forced by nature to have more sex. The population would explode! Humanity would consume all the Earths resources. Co2 levels would skyrocket! The Earth's temperature would rise to the point where no living thing could survive! Within one hundred years the planet would burn to a cinder! All because of some misguided religious belief!

I, for one, refuse to be a part of the problem! Of course I enjoy getting laid but I won't sacrifice the planet for it! For the future of humanity, let's all wank and twiddle to our hearts content! Let's make this planet a liveable place for our children and our children's children!

WHO'S WITH ME???

Ever Been to a Psychic?

For some reason this subject popped into my head. I don't deny the reality of "psychic" abilities because I possess a bit of them myself. The thing I can't stand are the frauds, charlatans and snake-oil salesmen. One time a few years ago I heard that I could get 10 minutes on a 900 psychic line for free. I was assured I would not be charged as long as long as I hung up before 10 minutes. The conversation went something like this:

Psychic: This is Hilda, thank you for calling the psychic hotline, may I ask your name?

Me: You're the psychic you tell me!

Psychic: Is this Jeff Vachon?

Me: Wow! You have caller ID!

Psychic: How can I help you Mr Vachon?

Me: Tell me my fortune.

Psychic: You are about to have some fortune in your romantic life!

Me: Shhh! Don't tell my wife, she'll get all upset.

Psychic: You are about to encounter some very good fortune financially.

Me: You mean that stock I bought in 8-track tapes is going to pay off! Yowza!

Psychic: You don't believe in psychics, do you?

Me: Wow! You ARE psychic!

At this point I realized that nearly two minutes had gone by and I didn't want to get carried away so I ended the call. They didn't charge me but I got put on a mailing list for everyone selling everything from magic potions to tabloids.

Keep in mind, there are some GOOD psychics out there. But you will never find them on a 900 number. It reminds me of a gal I knew who did phone sex and got paid big bucks for sitting at home pretending to be aroused. But that's another story.

Beware the "Thought Police"!

Just when I thought we had reached rock bottom, the bottom fell out and the United States reached a new low! According to every news report in the world, seven men were charged on Friday with conspiring to blow up the landmark Sears Tower in Chicago. The article later stated that the men didn't actually DO anything -- they just TALKED about it. None of them had ever even BEEN to Chicago! The article in Yahoo News reads in part:

But Attorney General Alberto Gonzales told a news conference in Washington that the plotting by the "home-grown terrorism cell" never went beyond the earliest stages.

"There was no immediate threat," Gonzales said, acknowledging the defendants never had contact with al Qaeda and did not have weapons or explosives.

This mean the guys did not actually DO anything! I recall the days of my youth when you didn't get locked up or even charged for that matter until you actually committed a crime! If thinking bad thoughts is a crime then I have already killed the President and overthrown the government. Is this country totally fucked up or is it just me???

The lovely Ann Coulter!

I wish everone would stop shitting on lovely Ann. She's a God-fearing Republican who thinks the rest of us are "godless" and immoral. Actually I like Ann just for being so entertaining. She's like a male Pat Robertson. Full of shit and proud of it! I don't DISlike her just because she's an egomaniacle, lying, hateful, vengeful, Bush-loving closeted lesbian. I just don't trust any woman with an Adams Apple bigger than mine. But on second look I must ask myself "is that an adams apple or is that simply the permanant outline of an enormous schlong she tried to stuff down her throat?"

Break the law -- But only if you do it for a long time.

What to do with all the illegal aliens? Bush wants to set up 80,000 National Guard troops around Arizona and Texas to shoo them away as they attempt to cross the border. The troops are not allowed to arrest anyone.

Reagan had the idea. Amnesty! Under Reagan, most illegal immigrants who could establish that they had resided in America continuously for five years would be granted temporary resident status, which could be upgraded to permanent residency after 18 months and, after another five years, to citizenship.

Kinda reminds me of the "statute of limitations". If you do something, say, steal a priceless painting, and are not caught for seven years then you are free and clear!

So, it's not OK to break the law BUT if you break the law for a really long time then it's OK!

So any readers out there who committed a crime a long time ago (murder excluded) rest easy! They can't touch you!

It's OK to Wiretap!

I was a mere 14-year-old youth when President Nixon resigned in '74. Nixon was forced to resign in disgrace for bugging an office, The entire country was outraged. The word "Nixon" will always be equated with "criminal".

Now things are different. Bush has taken it upon himself to bug THE ENTIRE COUNTRY!!! Why are we not OUTRAGED??? If this were the 70's we'd be pounding down the door to send this man to prison.

Bush has been allowed to commit everything from wiretapping to the brutal muder of hundreds of thousands of Iraqi citizens and hundreds of American soldiers. None of these people committed a crime against us.

Have we become so apathetic as a nation that we just don't care? We have the most ruthless, heartless dictator as our President and nothing has been done! Let's overthrow the government and get that bastard out of office and into prison where he belongs!

Woops! I shouldn't have said that! I'm going to be wiretapped for sure!

President assures Public Everything is Great.

President Bush held a press conference this afternoon to tell the American people that there are no problems and everything is just fine despite assertions in the media to the contrary.

“I stand here before the American people to tell you there is nothing wrong. Everything is great. There are no problems”, Bush stated at the start of the press conference.

John Stafford of the Miami Post asked the President about the Iraq war. Bush replied, “that’s the best war we’ve ever had. Everything is going so well I wouldn’t even call it a war. Everyone loves us over there. Ask Tony Blair. He’ll tell ya the same thing”.

When questioned after the interview Blair responded, “ah yes. Pip pip. Everything is fine. Now, if you’ll excuse me I’m late for a meeting with the British Tea Council. Dear, do we have any more Earl Gray?”

Science writer Paul Flemming quizzed the President on Global Warming. Bush replied, “Do you think global warming is a problem? We’ve had one of the nicest winters in history and you people are complaining? I can come and go from the White House without a jacket in the middle of January and no one has to shovel my limo out. Global warming is the best thing that ever happened to this country”.

One reporter asked Bush about the escalating crisis in Afghanistan. Bush dismissed the question by stating, “c’mon. Ask me something important”.

Bush further elaborated that the economy could not be better and everyone is making lots of money. “As far as I can see everyone in the country is happy”, Bush said among peals of laughter from the news media. “You see? These people are laughing”.

Whales or Seals? What to do...

I have been reading about people climbing out onto ice flows in a desperate attempt to rescue seals. I have also read about people trying desperately to save the Whales. Now the problem arises. Whales eat seals. If they don't, they'll starve. Therefore, if we save the seals then the whales will all die off. However, if we save the whales, then all the seals will die. Such a quandry! Which one do I want to save? Seals are cute, that's for sure. Whales are majestic, no doubt about it. What to do? What to DO???

Red Rain in India and Extraterrestrial Life

Hello faithful readers (you know who you are). Once in a while I feel the need to express myself in a "not funny" kind of way. Here's a bit of research I found fascinating.

In this months issue of New Scientist there is a debate over the red rain that fell over India from July through September of 2001. It appears the red rain was actually some kind of unknown biological material that may have been extra-terrestrial in origin and may or may not have originated from an exploding meteor. Two of the most remarkable things about this "life form" is that it has no DNA structure and thrives and reproduces dramatically at temperatures above 300C. This is a considerably higher temperature than any known terrestrial life form can survive. Check out

http://arxiv.org/ftp/astro-ph/papers/0312/0312639.pdf .

Even assuming this material is not extra-terrestrial it still qualifies as a new life form. Why has there been so little press about it? Is the government trying to hide that fact that we are not alone? Why isn't this the news item of the decade??? IS THERE ANY HOPE FOR HUMANITY AT ALL???!!!

Sorry. Got funny there for a moment.

President did not know about levees

President Bush defended his actions in the aftermath of Hurrican Katrina. Bush admitted that he was never told what “levees” were before the destruction.

“I didn’t know what they were”, Bush said. “I though levees were something you used to get you car out of a ditch or something. I sure as hell wasn’t going to spend tax dollars to make sure peoples cars didn’t get stuck in ditches”.

“Even though I know what levees are now, I still stand by what I did”, Bush continued. “These are poor people we’re talking about. Most of these people didn’t have a pot to piss in. I had a vacation coming up. What do you think I’m gonna do, ruin my vacation to help a few poor colored people? Would YOU do that?" Bush asked a reporter.

"If I was President I would sir", the reporter replied.

"Well, that's why you're not President", Bush responded defensively.

Doping to be allowed at Olympic Games

In response to sagging television ratings and decreased interest, the International Olympic Committee has decided to allow athletes the use of performance-enhancing drugs and has abandoned all urine and blood analysis.

“We had dismal ratings for the Winter Olympics this years”, Olympic Committee spokesperson Jason Felder said at a news conference. “We would have a much greater viewership if the Games were more exciting. We will not make the same mistake for the Summer Games.”

Most of the athletes expressed enthusiasm at the Committee’s decision. “We’ve been doping up for years anyway”, said speed skater Tonya Michaels, “Just now we won’t have to hide it. You don’t think I got these powerful thighs and tight ass from exercise alone, do you?”

US Super-Heavyweight weightlifter Todd Rogers expressed relief at the decision. “I was so afraid I was gonna get caught this time”, he remarked. “Now I can take my ‘medications’ without fear of being tossed off the team”.

International Olympic Committee President Jacques Rogge said that he was sick and tired of perfectly good athletes being ousted from the Games for taking cold medications or attempting to better themselves in any way possible. “We now encourage athletes to do whatever it takes to be the best they can be”, he said. “With this long-overdue decision form the Committee we will now see records broken like never before. Runners will run faster. Weightlifters will be lifting twice what they could before. Gymnasts will be able to perform acrobatics that the world has never seen! I anticipate the entire world will be watching the Games this year without exception. Advertising revenues will go through the roof!”

A very small percentage of athletes did not welcome the news so quickly. “I’m allergic to some of those drugs”, said African marathon runner Xula Kinte. “I am #1 in the world but I won’t stand a chance this time”.

After this interview Kinte was assured by doctors that hypo-allergenic performance enhancing drugs were now available and he was noticeably relieved. “Olympics move you ass here I come!” Kinte exclaimed excitedly.

Olympic financial spokesperson Delores Johansen said this move will enable the Olympic Committee to save money. “It only makes goos fiscal sense to abandon the drug testing”, she stated, “drug testing costs thousands of dollars per athlete. We will now be able to make the Games profitable without destroying the good names of the athletes.”

Dr. Harvey Johnson, the US Olympic Committee’s chief of Medicine said that this could be the best thing for the athletes. “As long as they are taking the drugs under a doctors supervision they will be fine”, he stated. “It’s only dangerous when they take the drugs off the street and try to hide it from urinalysis that it becomes a problem. The athletes will be much healthier if they don’t go downing all those cover-ups agents. That’s where the real health threats lie”.

Dr. Johnson recommends anabolic steroids for weight-lifters, gymnasts, short distance runners and anyone doing strength training. He also recommended Human Growth Hormone to aid distance runners in their recovery capacity and, in particular, help female runners build up strength and endurance. He did advise against wanton use of amphetamines as the could cause a hear attack. “But they will make you run a little faster so the choice is yours”, Dr. Johnson continued.

Russian shot-putter Olga Svenson was taking steroids even before she received the news. “Look at my clitoris”, she said as she moved her shorts off to one side. “It is almost three times bigger now. It is like penis. I have much more enjoyment of sex and can throw ball almost twice as far”.

The World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) is opposed to the Olympic Committee’s decision. “We have spent years trying to prevent people from taking drugs and enjoying themselves”, said WADA spokesperson Francois Egalite. “We can’t have athletes taking things like androstenediol, androstenedione, bolasterone, boldenone, clenbuterol, clostebol, danazol, dehydrochlormethyltestosterone, dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA), dihydrotestosterone, drostanolone, fluoxymesterone, formebolone, gestrinone, mesterolone, metandienone, metenolone, methandriol, methyltestosteroiie, mibolerone, nandrolone, 19-norandrostenediol, 19-norandrostenedione, norbolethone, norethandrolone, oxandrolone, oxymesterone, oxymetholone, salbutamol, stanozolol, testosterone and trenbolone! “ It just wouldn’t be right!

The newly-enhanced Olympics will be held in Turin this year. Turin officials are making the drugs available on an “as wanted” basis.

Sex with teacher approved by school committee.

Springfield (SN) - In response to psychologists recommendations the Springfield school committee voted unanimously to allow 28-year-old French teacher Jane Francois to copulate with 13-year-old Jeffrey Turner.

“This boy has suffered from self-esteem problems for years”, said school committee member and psychologist Delores Johnson. “This will help improve his self-image and change him from the class punching bag into a super-cool dude that all the students will envy”.

Turner seemed excited at the prospect of having sex with his French teacher. “Wow! She’ so HOT!” he exclaimed. “Most of the guys in my class haven’t even kissed a girl yet but I’m gonna go all the way with Miss Francois!”

Miss Francois said she is looking forward to seducing her young protege. “I’ve purchased a new gown - French, of course - and I have some ice cubes and sexy underwear ready”, she said. “I hope this will make his outlook on life better and years from now he will reflect fondly on his middle school years”.

Alicia Snodgrass, the President of the local chapter of the Christian Alliance was not as enthused about the change in the boys destiny. “God will strike them all dead!” she exclaimed. “Young boys should not have sex with older women! They will burn in hell for eternity!”

Pastor Ralph Fletcher of Children of God Church didn’t agree with Ms. Snodgrass. “The Virgin Mary was only 13", the Pastor stated. “Prior to the 20th Century all the young boys were having sex with girls. It’s the American Way!”

Some of his classmates were noteably envious of Turners good fortune. School bully Jimmy Trenton, age 14, said, “why does he get to have sex with her? He’s such a weinie! I’m the one who should be doin her”. School counsilor Deanna Jenkins has already explained to Trenton that his beligerent attitude and disregard for the happiness of his classmates may prevent him from ever having sex.

“I don’t care. What they do is none of my business”, said Sherry Cargill, one of the more mature girls in Turner’s class.

The school plans a rally at 1PM for Turner and Francois. The act will be consumated shortly thereafter.

Stature of Liberty Inscription to Change

I thought it would be better to make this a new story:


NY (SN) - President Bush announced today that the inscription on the Staue of Liberty will be changed in order to combat illegal immigration and terrorism. The inscription currently reads:

"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door."

The new inscription will read:

"Give me your well-rested, your wealthy,
Your elite few yearning to spend free,
The most fortunate of your hotel-dotted shore.
Send these, the ones with big mansions and expendable income to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door - Just make sure you fill out the proper paperwork"

“We have had too many immigrants and terrorists taking advantage of this inscription for far too long”, Bush said in a prepared statement, “We will no longer tolerate these kinds of people coming to our great country, making messes and destroying our nation”.

Newly appointed Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff said, “the inscription on the Statue is an open invitation to terrorists that it is OK to attack our country. I am proud to say that for the poor and evil the lamp has been extinguished and the golden door has been slammed shut”.

Eduardo Aguirre Jr, who heads the Homeland Security Department's Bureau of Citizenship and Immigration Services gave some surpprising statistics.

“Between 2001 and 2004 we had 3,780,019 immigrants to this country. Of that 3,780,019, almost 90% of them were tired, whether from jet lag or whatever. Over 50% had incomes below $30,000 a year thus qualifying them as poor. Nearly 1/3 were huddled masses. Another 1/3 was wretched refuse from teeming shores. 785,000 were tempest-tossed. Among those tempest-tossed nearly 50% were also homeless! In other words, we are not getting the quality of immigrants this country so desperately needs and deserves. By changing the inscription on the Statue we have effectively told the world we don’t want their scum, we don’t need them and we won’t take them!”

“The 9/11 terrorists were undoubtedly tempest-tossed”, said Aguirre . “I suspect some of them were also wretched refuse of the teeming shores of the United Arab Emirates. If they had the money we would welcome them with open arms and let them buy up shipping ports but these terrorist guys are not in that league”.

Some people interviewd were not as enthusiastic about the change to the Statue. Long Island businessman Joe Cabrera said, “granted, it doesn’t mean anything anymore but it’s got sentimental value. I think we should leave it alone”.

Halliburton, Inc. Will oversee the changes to the Statue. Expected costs for the Statue of Liberty modernization are expected to be in the $350 million range.

How Our Country Has Changed!

There was once a time in America when immigrants were welcomed with open arms. Our country thrived off immigration. Now we are spending countless millions trying to prevent Mexicans from coming into this country even though they will gladly do back-breaking work for $3.00 an hour that we can't pay Americans enough for. The inscription on the Staue of Liberty reads:

"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door."

Today it can be translated as:

"Give me your well-rested, your wealthy,
Your elite few yearning to spend free,
The most fortunate of your hotel-dotted shore.
Send these, the ones with big mansions and expendable income to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door. - Just make sure you fill out the proper paperwork"

Of course, it's not just Mexicans. I know of a fairly wealthy Japanese man and his Filipino wife who had lived in this country for 20 years. As it turns out, he made an error in filling out his green card application when he first arrived. Everything was fine until 9/11. They had two homes, paid their taxes and lived life as normal Americans. Their son was enrolled at MIT. Sure enough they were deported! Last I heard their son who was only a year old when they moved here was kicked out of MIT and was also being deported despite the fact that he didn't speak Japanese or understand the culture. However, their 19 year old daughter was born here and was allowed to stay.

I'm not saying "let everyone in". I'm just questioning what happened to the values this country was founded on?

My Grandma is 101!

She has lived through it all. When she was born in 1905 most people were still riding horses. The airplane hadn't been invented yet. The radio was still in its infancy having been invented only 9 years before. Women were not allowed to vote. Teddy Roosevelt was President. She knew her great-grandfather well. He was born in 1820 - when Thomas Jefferson was still alive - and died in 1922 at 102!

Of course, my grandma has taken good care of herself. The two packs a day she smoked for 88 years have given her strong lungs (She's had to cut back to 6 cigarettes a day in the nursing home). She always had lots of packaged cookies and store-bought donuts in her drawer when we were kids. Exercise? Not if there's something good on TV!

I don't think I want to get that old. When she dies we won't even have to cremate her. Just crinkle her up.

Victory in Iraq is OURS!!!

Dear readers, Bush's war has not been a failure! I had an epiphany! This hasn't happened yet but it WILL happen! Soon Iraq will have Dunkin Donuts and Little Debby Snack Cakes and McDonalds and all the children will sit at their Playstations and become nice and fat like American kids! Peace and prosperity will rule as Walmart moves in with their Chinese imported jeans and underwear! Some of the rich adults will sit at outdoor Starbucks cafes drinking lattees and eating scones! Alcohol will no longer be banned as everyone becomes Christians and they start drinking Budweiser and Miller and having cocktails after work! Everyone will download porn as the women takes off their veils and show everyone what's underneath!

I foresee a great land that looks just like America except everyone has darker skin! I see a time when everyone sings "God Bless America" and the US "National Anthem" as they emphasive the part about "bombs bursting in air"! George W. Bush will become the Partron Saint of Iraq!

And they will have free elections so they can vote idiots into office like we do! Won't that be swell???

?

Let Athletes Take Whatever They Want!

There has been a lot of press about the doping of the Winter Games. If I was in charge of the Olympics I'd say "Take whatever the hell you want. It's your body and your future!" Suddenly we would see records broken like never before! People would be running the miles in two minutes! Weightlifters would be able to lift a thousand pounds! High jumpers would be jumping 20 feet! Long jumpers jumping 50 feet! Everyone would say "Oooh" and "Aaahhh!" as the amazing athletes perform unhindered. Urine would be something to be flushed away and not analyzed under a microscope!

Of course, all the athletes would be dead in 10 years but - who cares???

Why Does Cheney Kill?

Isn't there somethng seriously wrong with a guy that kills animals just for the sport? Obviously, Cheney is not hungry. He just enjoys killing! I heard that he killed over 70 quail (not counting the lawyer) with no intention of eating them. And this man could become President?

We NEED Government Criminals!

Most of us know that Abramoff and a couple of other members of the Republican Party have admitted guilt. It would not be in our best interests to get rid of all the criminals we have in government. If we did there would BE NO GOVERNMENT! Anarchy would reign! Businesses would collapse! Most of the police would have to resign! The military would crumble! The entire planet as we know it would be destroyed! Let's either PRAISE the criminals we have now or simply impeach Bush throw out his cabinet. That would be a good start.

70 Virgins After Death?

I will reserve comment on WW3 starting over the cartoons. But I do have to question why the Muslim faith assures everyone of 70 virgins after they die. Is this a good thing? I was with a virgin back in 1985 - for the last time. Most virgins do not enjoy sex the first time. There's screaming, crying, guilt and pain. Then the gal falls in love with you and becomes insanely jealous! So now you've got 70 now-ex-virgins killing each other and calling you all hours of the night and day. And if that ain't enough, you may start off with 70 virgins but after a couple of months you've got 70 nagging bitches - FOR ETERNITY!

Why doesn't the Muslim faith simply tell everyone, "after you die you're going to hell"?

Russians/Iranians Develop Sunburn Missile. US Retaliates.

Washington (AP) - Russia has succeeded in creating the most powerful cruise missile known to mankind calling it the "Sunburn Missile" (http://www.rense.com/general59/theSunburniransawesome.htm). This missile presents a threat to the entire US Naval operation in Iraq and elsewhere. To retaliate, the US has developed the "Really Nice Tan" missile.

"The Really Nice Tan is a better missile than the Sunburn" said Navy Admiral Luke Feingold. "Our missile will produce more devastation over a longer period of time because the people don't even know they're being attacked".

"We can't allow those Russians to be better at anything than us because they will sell their technology to evil people like Iran, Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein and Fidel Castro then blow up the world with it", Feingold continued. "We need the world to raise children and make money. I have consulted with our Commander In Chief and he agrees we are better than they are".

President Bush was not aware he was Commader In Chief and was unavailable for comment.

Pollution Will Stop Global Warming!

Scientists have found the cure for Global Warming in China. Pollution! According to Fox News (http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,183085,00.html) "China's skies have darkened over the past 50 years, possibly due to haze resulting from a nine-fold increase in fossil fuel emissions, according to researchers from the U.S. Department of Energy." The article goes on to say that this Chinese region is actually cooler than the rest of China because of the pollution! The article also states ""The pollution (that) resulted from human activity may have created a haze which absorbs and deflects the sun's rays," Qian, the study's lead author, said in an e-mail interview Friday."

Damn! All this time we've been trying to get rid of pollution and we should actually be making more! We all know the sun causes skin cancer. But with an atmosphere full of particulates the sun never reaches the Earth and humanity is saved!

Leave it to the right-leaning Fox News to give us the straight answers! Let's all thunb our noses at those "environmentalists". I read another article some time ago that states that plants are a major source of global warming. So, if we just kill all the plants and pollute the atmoshpere then we will live longer, more productive lives and have a healthier planet!

Thank God for science!

More About Nursery Rhymes

I had previously posted about the horrors of childrens nursery rhymes but further inspection reveals the problem to be much worse than I feared. I recall the "Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe". It goes as follow:

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe
She had so many children she didn't know what to do.
She gave them some broth without any bread,
Then whipped them all soundly
And put them to bed.

Here's a lady living in the most horrible abject poverty, starving and whipping her children. We read this stuff to kids?

How about the famous "Ring Around the Rosey"? Here's the facts on that one:

The words to the Ring around the rosy children's ring game have their origin in English history . The historical period dates back to the Great Plague of London in 1665 (bubonic plague) or even before when the first outbreak of the Plague hit England in the 1300's. The symptoms of the plague included a rosy red rash in the shape of a ring on the skin (Ring around the rosy). Pockets and pouches were filled with sweet smelling herbs ( or posies) which were carried due to the belief that the disease was transmitted by bad smells. The term "Ashes Ashes" refers to the cremation of the dead bodies! The death rate was over 60% and the plague was only halted by the Great Fire of London in 1666 which killed the rats which carried the disease which was transmitting via water sources.

Damn! 3-year-old are into this stuff! How about Red Riding Hood where the grandmother gets eaten. Or Snow White where the hottest babe in the land is living with seven horny dwarves?

It never ends!

Everyone Should Start Smoking.

Over the past 20 years obesity has become epidemic in this country. There was once a time when very few Americans were obese. Why? Because eveyone smoked! When people quit smoking they gained weight. Now people don't smoke and they are fat. The solution to the obesity problem is quite simple. Everyone start smoking! We would see fewer deaths from obesity related illnesses and diabetes would no longer be such a health threat! Why can comedians figure this out and doctors can't?

MURDER VS WAR - WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

I am certainly not the first person to ever think of this. When a person kills another person in this country he is called a murderer. That person is either put in jail for life or executed. However, when a person kills another person in a war he is a HERO! And the more people he kills more of a hero he is. Lemme think. If I can kill a thousand strangers in a war then I get to meet the President, get medals and go down in history as a great war hero. However, if I kill one person not in a war then I am branded as the most horrible person to walk the face of the Earth. So, when your government tells you to kill then killing is a good thing but don't do it unless they TELL you to!

REAL Source of Global Warming Found!!!

The ture source of global warming has been founbd and it has NOTHING to do with us! It seems PLANTS have been causing the trouble! Check out http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060111/sc_nm/environment_methane_dc
The must be a special variety of "farting plant" because they produce methane and contribute to 30% of global warming! This should be the news of the century! The obvious solution is to KILL THE PLANTS!!! If we kill the plants then we can produce all the pollution we want guilt-free!

Would THIS Put You To Sleep???

I was at a friends house the other night as she was singin her baby off to sleep with a children's Lullaby. The song goes as such:

Rock-a-bye baby, in the tree top
When the wind blows, the cradle will rock
When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall
And down will come baby, cradle and all

The beginning of this ballad is indeed relaxing. The kid is rocking gently with the wind and it's very peaceful. But it takes on a whole new significance toward the end of the song when the branch breaks and the baby comes crashing to the ground! I can only envision the remains of the baby lying there in a pool of blood with a tree branch sticking through the cradle! This is one of the most gruesome things that can happen to either a baby or a parent! And we expect this disturbing nightmare to put kids to SLEEP???!!! This song must have been written by either a child abuser or a sociopath!

Of course, even bedtime stroies such as "Hansel & Gretel" are supposed to lull children off to slumber. Here is the story of two children who rob the lady, eat her house then throw her into an oven and watch her cook to death!

Is it any wonder kids are messed up?