Miley Cyrus Achieves First Orgasm

This story was banned from the sites I usually write for.  Keep in mind, it's a JOKE!

Pop singing sensation and Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus proudly announced today that she achieved orgasm last night while talking on the phone with her ex-boyfriend Nick Jonas.

“It was so great!” Miley exclaimed to the news media. “I have always been told that orgasms were great but I guess you don't really know until you've had your own!”

Cyrus had tried unsuccessfully to have an orgasm for over two years. Despite her best efforts and her relationship with Jonas she was never able to achieve more than a slight amount of stimulation.

“I guess this means that I'm growing up!” Cyrus declared.

Proud papa Billy Ray Cyrus was almost as excited as his daughter over her achievement. “I don't think her mother ever had an orgasm. This just proves that she takes after her daddy”, a smiling Bill Ray stated.

Nick Jonas was pleased that her could assist Miley in her efforts to achieve climax. “Of course, I had an orgasm too but I have them all the time”, the youthful pop singer told the media.

Cyrus claimed that there are no plans for a reconciliation with her ex-beau but has not ruled out anything. “Maybe we'll go out again. I think I like him better over the phone”.

Invented by a school teacher my ass!

Every time I go to Trader Joe's I see that stuff at the front of the counter called Airborne and it says "invented by a school teacher".  In my mind that says "don't buy this shit!"

Not only that but I'm told she's an ELEMENTARY school teacher!  At first I thought it might be a genius science professor or something.  But a teacher who teaches second grade, in my opinion, is not qualified to be inventing vitamins and deodorizers for the masses!

Even "invented by a salesman" would have more credibility to me.  At least he would understand the importance of creating a product that people will want to buy!

But this lady IS a millionaire.  Can anyone tell me, how did this shit wind up at the front of the counter at every Trader Joe's?

Obama's Bong is Missing!

White House security personnel admit that they are unable to locate President Barack Obama's $1,200.00 Roor Custom Little Sista Icemaster 7.0 Bong that appears to have been stolen from his dresser in his bedroom and they have few clues as to who may have stolen it.
"I have always kept my bong in my top dresser drawer", Obama told his security officers. "If I get it back within the next 24 hours there will be no questions asked. Otherwise, I am going to have to enforce disciplinary action".

Obama claims the last time he used the bong was during the Super Bowl. Senators Arlen Specter (R-Pa) and Bob Casey (D-Pa) attended the Super Bowl Party, along with representatives Charlie Dent (R-Pa.), Mike Doyle (D-Pa.), Patrick Murphy (D-Pa.), Trent Franks (R-Az.), and Raul Grijalva (D-Az.). Other attendees included Sens. Dick Durbin (D-Ill.) and Amy Klobuchar (D-Minn), Reps. Elijah Cummings (D-Md.), Artur Davis (D-Ala.), Rosa DeLauro (D-Ct.), Paul Hodes (D-NH), and Fred Upton (R-Mi.), and Delegate Eleanor Holmes-Norton, (D-DC) but they all denied any knowledge of the bongs whereabouts.

Amy Klobuchar clearly recalled everyone using the Presidential bong but she insisted it was sitting on the table when she left.

"But. Then again, I was pretty wasted when I left", she admitted.

The President claimed he returned the bong to his dresser drawer after the party. "I clearly recall taking the bong back to my room, cleaning it in the bathroom and returning it to its usual place", Obama stated.

White House housekeeping staff have been alerted that they will all be investigated and disciplinary actions may be forthcoming.

Oddly, the President claims that although the bong is missing, his stash of pure grade Afghani marijuana appears to be untouched.

"The only part missing in the two onces or so we smoked during the game", Obama stated.

Obama told news reporters that it's not the intrinsic value of the bong so much as the sentimental value.

"That bong got me through college", Obama lamented.

*Update: No sooner was this story published than his 7-year-old daughter Sasha admitted she brought the bong to her class for show and tell. The bong has since been returned to the Presidential dresser.

Salvia Divinorum is legal!

I'm 48 years old now but back when I was a youth many young people were trying to catch a great hallucinatory experience. I admit, I tried a bit of LSD, some shrooms etc. We always risked getting arrested for having that stuff.

But today kids have salvia divinorum! It's legal everywhere except Louisiana, Missouri, Tennessee, Oklahoma and Delaware. Buy your now before the feds decide to make it illegal everywhere!

There's a pill for that!

Every time I turn on the TV there is a medicine for something or other. High blood pressure, high cholesterol, acid reflux disease, restless leg syndrome, vaginal dryness, sexual dysfunction, impotency and weight loss among others.

I saw an ad for 'low dose' aspirin. I checked the store shelves and the stuff is very expensive! However, if we don't take it we will all have heart attacks and die. The thing they don't tell us is that a couple of cheap baby aspirin are exactly the same thing.

I recently read that the cholesterol fighting drug Crestor cuts heart attack deaths in low risk patients by 50%! However, most low risk patients will never have a heart attack anyway. That's why they are low risk.

I think too many people are taking medicines they don't need and the side effects are usually worse than what they are trying to cure.

Do I sound cynical? Perhaps. Maybe they have a pill for that!

"Feeling cynical? Try new Anticyn! Anticyn will releive cynical symptoms for up to 8 full hours!"

Bush's Abstinence Only Program was another of his massive failures!

Bush spent over $200 million a year of taxpayer money to prevent teenagers from having sex! Every time the government gets involved it makes bad things worse and turns things that were not problems into problems!

Blogger does not want me posting this. You'll have to cut and paste. Sorry for the inconvenience! http://unconfirmedsources.com/index.php?itemid=3966


Check out the full story at

Was the Presidential Election Rigged?

Now that Obama is officially the President I ask myself, "was the election rigged?"

I'm no conspiracy theorist, but I seems to me that the Republicans could not have run a worse campaign if they tried. Or did they try to run a bad campaign?

Sarah Palin, though I'm sure she's a lovely lady and makes a fine fruitcake, could not possibly be less qualified for the position of second head honcho. She had no experience outside the frozen tundra of Alaska, no foreign policy experience, no idea what Washington politics are about, has a knocked up 17 year old daughter and a husband who would rather go snowmobiling than be at home. I do think she's a nice piece of ass and she's close to my age but she's got that Evangelical Christian thing going on. Ergo, she was a recipe for disaster from the start!

John McCain, though I'm sure he makes a mean barbecue, was old, self-indulgent, sickly (he's been treated for melanoma twice), out of touch with technology and perhaps the least desirable republican to ever run for office.

As Sarah so aptly stated, “It's amazing we did as well as we did!”

John McCain, for all his myriad faults and failings, is no idiot. There were certainly many more qualified people to fill the office of VP than little Miss Ex-Beauty Queen that would have been ideal. Condoleezza Rice for example. She's female, conservative, popular and she's also black! Why wasn't she considered?

My brother, a staunch conservative who once worked in the billowed halls of Congress for former Senator Dole, even agreed that McCain is an asshole and wouldn't vote for him.

Was there some kind of massive conspiracy construed by the Bush administration to silence his own party? Is there some sort of agenda that we are not hearing about? Or are the Republicans as corrupt, ignorant and out of touch as they seem?

Former President Bush should be imprisoned for life or worse.

Now that Obama is President he should call the former Chief Executive to answer for his crimes.

(Keep in mind, Bush/Cheney are interchangeable)

What is Bush's legacy? He has been very successful! He succeeded in destroying an entire nation which presented no threat to the United States. He succeeded in killing 1.2 million people thus putting even Saddam Hussein's record to shame. He caused untold millions of injuries, many of them permanent. He succeeded in destroying a trillion dollars worth of real estate. He succeeded in destroying our economy. He succeeded in turning our country Communist (OK, maybe just Socialist) as he took over banks and insurance industries. He succeeded in killing hundreds of poor people during Hurricane Katrina. He succeeded in making the United States the most despised nation on Earth.

Jeffrey Dahmer wasn't so successful!

Indeed, Bush has succeeded in everything he's set out to do. The only thing he didn't do was get a blow job because that would have gotten him impeached. Not to mention he's dickless.

Might I suggest Bush be put into prison with a muscular, 300 pound black homosexual as his cellmate? I don't believe in capitol punishment as that would be too good for him.

A note to Homeland Security, we still have free speech. So shut up.

I'm sorry. Did that come across as being harsh?

Let's keep our fingers crossed that the new Boss will be different!

Whatever Happened to the Firm Handshake?

Maybe I'm getting old or maybe I'm just old fashioned but when I shake someone's hand I would appreciate it if they took my hand and shook back!
Over New Years I had the opportunity to shake quite a few hands. I was introduced to a very attractive young lady who, I am told, is an up and coming actress. "Hi, my name's Nick", I said to her as I extended my hand.

She extended her hand and let it hang there limply as I grasped it. "Nice to meet you", she said. I had trouble believing that it was really nice to meet me. She didn't even bother to wrap her thumb. I might as well have been shaking a padded twig. I felt like screaming, "HEY LADY IF YOU CAN OPEN A FRICKIN PICKLE JAR THEN YOU CAN GIVE ME A DECENT HANDSHAKE!"

Men are also guilty of this. There's few things I find as annoying as the 'dead fish' handshake. Are these guys afraid that they are going to damage my hand or their own by applying a little pressure? We are men! Let's greet each other with manly handshakes, shall we?

I feel more secure meeting someone when I get a little squeeze of my hand. I'm not asking you to arm wrestle.

There's life in the Solar System!

I have been reading about the significance of methane gas found on Mars. Not only has it been found on Mars, it's also been found in great quantity on Saturn's moon Titan, Saturn's moon Enceladus and all over the fricking solar system.

Methane is mostly caused, quite frankly, by farting. At least here on earth. The methane found on Mars seems to be emanating from caves. Strangely, it will dissipate from one cave then reappear in another. Why don't scientists just say the most likely explanation is there is life on Mars? Recent probes have already proven the soil is fertile!

Enceladus not only has methane, it's also belching out plumbs of liquid water! Titan has a methane rich atmosphere and, it would seem, oceans of liquid water under the surface! The Jupiter moon Europa has oceans of water perhaps 60 miles deep!

Yes folks, there's life in the solar system and they stink just as bad as we do!

Of course, the Evangelicals do not want any part of the Bible disproved, seeing as how most of it has proven to be fairy tales already.

S E E Quine has requested that I update my blog. I haven't done so in MONTHS! However, you can catch some of my satire at http://unconfirmedsources.com/index.php?memberid=30 if you feel so inclined. Howdy Seequine! I'm doing all this just for you! Send me an email! Put me on your Facebook!