Has anyone ever had sex with Condoleeza Rice?

Of course, we all know Condi is a murdering, lying no good bitch who should have her head put on a skewer and rotisserie grilled but has anyone ever slept with her? It seems that even a woman obsessed with power like her must get banged every once in a while. I could only imagine her in a leather bustier and stockings with a whip in one hand and a paddle in the other as she strikes down with forceful blows screaming "get hard you son of a bitch!!!". Perhaps she's too busy fucking the American people and the world to even THINK about her own needs. What a selfless individual!

The "Virgin" Mary

There's another vision of the "Virgin" Mary out there http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/04/20/national/main689630.shtml ! At times like this I ask myself, "was she really a virgin?" And if she was then WHY? She was a married woman! I can only assume Joseph couldn't get it up. When Mary got pregnant she made up that whole miracle, virgin, "God-did-it-to-me" story. Assuming God DID do it, why is he fucking another mans wife? Isn't he violating one of his own commandments? Does that mean it's cool for us to knock up another mans wife? "God did it, why can't I"? Also, it would appear the "Virgin" Mary was only 14! These days it's illegal NOT to be a virgin at 14! Damn, I was 16 the first time!

There's a new Pope!

So, the Catholics replaced one mangy old tyrant with another mangy old tyrant. Has anyone else noticed that the new Pope looks just like the fictitious serial killer Hanibal Lecter? Meet the new Boss - same as the old Boss. I haven't been a Catholic for many years. One reason is that Catholicism is bullshit. The Vatican aquired its enormous wealth by forcing people to turn over their money for a guaranteed entrance into Heaven! I'm sure sculpted wings and a new harp would cost extra.

When you come right down to it, is Heaven really such a great place? You will spend eternity with a bunch of do-gooders and virgins listening to piped in harp music. I think Hell is the place to be with all the swinging bars, rock musicians and all your friends!

Finger Food...

Some lady found a finger in her Chile at Wendy's and now authroities are trying to finger out who the finger belongs to http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=519&ncid=757&e=10&u=/ap/20050413/ap_on_re_us/wendy_s_finger) ! Can someone please explain how you can lose a finger and no one notices? Now, this lady has decided not to sue. I suspect she reached a confidential out-of-court settlement. Is anyone reading this missing a finger?

Cookie Monster wants tofu!

In response to the bulging waistlines of todays kids, Sesame Street has now changed the cookie monster so he eats tofu, veggies and the occasional cookie. Isn't that great? THIS will solve the problem of childhood obesity! Soon all kids will be emulating the cookie monster and eat healthy, nutritious snacks and they will all become trima and fit! Of course, PBS is ignoring the fact that kids sit in front of computers all day and don't exercise. And where are the parents? They are the ones that are stuffing the cookies and crap down the kids throats and allowing them to sit inside all the time.

The Popes BIG Funeral!

300,000 people from all over the world turned out for the Popes funeral. Why does this not impress me? When the Red Sox won the World Series over 500,000 people from just around Massachusetts showed up. When the Patriots won the Super Bowl for the third time over 300,000 showed up. Maybe sports teams are more popular than Catholicism these days? What do you want for a guy that makes saints out of rapists and murderers?

New Pope coming on April 18th!

So, the Catholic Church has gone Popeless for a while. What happens if you need an exorcism or something during this time? Do you just have to put up with the ghosts and evil spirits until the new Pope gets in? Is it OK to use condoms between Popes?

The old Pope used to be an avid hiker. This begats the question, "does the Pope shit in the woods?" There are so many profound theological questions that need to be addressed!

Ding dong the Pope is dead!

Here lies a man who went into overpopulated, starving countries and told everyone not to use birth control. During the Aids pandemic he spoke of the evils of condoms. He knew Catholic priests were pedophiles yet did nothing. Grieve? I think I'll hold off on this one.

The REAL causes of Global Warming!

Welcome to the world of George W. Bush! It seems mankinds pollution of the atmoshpere really has NOTHING to do with our great climactic changes! The Republicans have been right all along! We will note this article was written by GERMAN researchers so there is no American partisanship involved!

In Yahoo News (
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=585&e=3&u=/nm/20050331/sc_nm/environment_dandruff_dc ) the article states: "Bits of pollen, leaf fragments and even dandruff from people and animals make up a significant portion of dusty stuff in the atmosphere but have been ignored by climate modelers, German researchers said on Thursday."


"We simply need to cut down the trees, get rid of the flowers and make sure everyone uses Head & Shoulders", said one of the German Researchers who asked not to be idnetified. "This will eliminate the pollen, leaves and dandruff that are polluting our atmosphere".

Imagine how healthy our planet will be when we get rid of all those pesky leaf-producing rain forests. And if we get rid of the flowers the pollen problem will take care of itself! And no more embarrassing flakes! Now that we have identified the problem we should have no difficulty making this a healthy and productive planet! The future will be glorious! Unless, of course, these guys are full of shit.