Bush Declares War on God

(Washinton DC) - In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina President George W. Bush announced war on Heaven and God.

"We must take God out", Bush said in a statement this afternoon. "These 'Acts of God' have caused widespread problems for me and my administration. He has instigated tsunamis, disease, earthquakes, floods and now the devastation of hurricane Katrina. These acts of terrorism against the American people cannot be allowed to continue."

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld reiterated Bush's statement and drew up a military line of action against The Almighty.

"We will be withdrawing troops from Iraq and Afghanistan in an all-out attack against the evil dictator God and his armies in Heaven", Rumsfeld said in a prepared statement. "The devastation of Katrina alone makes 9/11 look like a circus act". When asked what he meant by "circus act" Rumsfeld replied, "You know, a cirus act, you idiot. Do I have to explain everything?" Rumsfled continued, "we cannot allow the proliferation of weapons of mass destruction. God got more Weapons of Mass Destruction than even the United States! This war may have to be nuclear as conventional weapons won't reach the heavens".

Dr. Condoleezza Rice, the Assistant to the President for National Security Affairs, commonly referred to as the National Security Advisor, said "anyone found worshipping or making offerings to God will be imprisoned. This includes all Christian, Jewish and Muslim churches, synagogues, temples and home Bible studies. Buddhist temples and other non-deity religions will be exempt from this order".

Some Christian rights organization has expressed dispproval with Bush's plan. Rev. Stanislaw Fortran of Holy Roller United Methodist church said, "haven't we done enough to piss God off? This is just gonna piss him off more! All he has to do is snap his fingers and he'll wipe out the planet"

"How can you declare wat against something that doesn't exist?" asked a local area Buddhist who asked not to be identified. Rumsfeld was unavailable to comment on this important issue.

Bush has reportendy aligned with Lord-of-the-Underworld Satan as his ally. "Satan and I have been working well togther since the beginning of my administration, Bush said, "He has promised to assist me in my planned takeover of heaven and the removal of God from Power".

Bush has also drawn up a new Constitution for the People of Heaven. "The People of Heaven have been under this dictator for too long", Bush said. "We have drawn up a Constituion to allow them to freely elect a new God every four years".

Satan was unavailable for comment.

Hurricanes, famine, death and other Acts of God.

I am a Buddhist so I am probably not qualified to write about this but I grew up Catholic. Why is it that natural disasters are refered to as "Acts of God"? As I recall, God is supposed to be loving and forgiving. The Hurricane in Louisiana is a giant Act of God. Maybe God is really an asshole?

We now have "reverse evolution".

Throughout mankind's anthropological history the more intelligent apes have always been the ones to survive while the lesser intelligent apes perished. However, now that we have evolved into 21st Century Humans, our course of evolution is starting to turn back. Less-intelligent people are mating with equally inferior intellects thus producing many children of even lesser intellect than their parents. Meanwhile, the smarter beings are using birth control as they are aware that the population of the Earth is nearing its maximum and the smarter people are also aware of how difficult it is to feed more than 2 children. As more and more lesser-intellects are entering the work force we begin to see tell-tale signs of "devolution" such as increased crime, more war, more poverty and electing George W. Bush as President.

Thank God for Chocolate!

Scientists have discovered that chocolate contain flavenoids which have potent anti-cancer properties. That's great news! This means that we don't have to feel guilty about eating chocolate anymore! When people tell you that you eat too much chocolate simply tell them, "If I don't eat chocolate I will get cancer and die!" I have often wondered how my grandma has so far lived to the ripe age of 100 despite being a heavy smoker then I remember the gobs of chocolate she always had in the house.

Men working my ass!

I took this photo in the Arizona desert. Not a soul around for miles! And the sign seems s bit sexist to me. A woman can do nothing just as well as a man!

Everyone must die!

Once again, Bush has invoked the sacred name of 9/11 to justify attacking Iraq (http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20050820/ts_nm/bush_dc). The thing he and many pinheads don't seem to comprehend is that Iraq had NOTHING TO DO WITH 9/11! Why isn't there a bigger public outcry against this war? During the 60's we had anti-war rallies, pot smoking, peace signs and general defiance. I find it deplorable that ANYONE would support this war! I sopke to a Christian the other day and he (and many other Christians) supports the war! Did Jesus say, "if they don't agree with us, kill them" or "do unto other BEFORE they do unto you"? I think if Jesus was here he'd just shit.

Grown up female teachers have sex with young male students.

Beth Giesel, a female teacher, had sex with one of her male students. So, what's the problem here? Granted, the lady is a bit twisted for having sex with a 13 or 14 year old but I doubt the young man was "traumatized" by the event. Does she need to go to prison while all the boys friends are high-fiving him saying, "cool dude!" I would have loved to have sex with Ms. Charles or some of the other hot teachers I had at that age. Is this rape? Prior to the 19th century if you were not married by the time you were 16 you were considered a homo. It may be different for girls but I have heard that the "Virgin" Mary was only 13! God did it to Mary when she was just a kid! Who's gonna lock up God?

Why is Bush still free?

We finally locked up the notorious Dennis Rader, the famed BTK serial killer. Hooray! After all, he murdered 10 people! But the most heinous serial killer of all, George W. Bush, is still walking around a free man! He has needlessly killed hundreds of thousands and left a nation in shambles! His opposition to stem cell research may result in trmendous suffering for millions of people far into the future. His economic policies which favor big business over the individual will leave us and our grandchildren striving to survive! If a non-leader-of-the-free-world did one one thousand of the things Bush does he would be executed immediatly. Why not do the same to Bush???

Leaving the toilet seat up.

I once asked my girlfriend why she was so upset about me leaving the toilet seat up. She explained, "when I was nine years old my Uncle left the toilet seat up and I fell in". So I figured it out. She takes about 6 pisses a day for 47 years. That makes 102,930 pisses. Out of that 102,930 pisses she falls in ONCE??? That's not enough for me to have to bear this burden of putting the seat down for the rest of my life. Now, if she had fallen in, say, 5 or 6 thousand times then I would say she has a legitimate complaint. Also, I take a crap every day and I've never fallen in! And I've never pissed on the toilet seat when it's been left down! Some things I may never understand no matter how often it's explained to me. I guess I'm...A GUY!

I can't eat enough!

I went to an "all-you-can-eat" Chinese buffet yesterday. The whole thing cost only 4 bucks so I won't complain about the poor quality of the food. As I was sitting there eating my meager portion two enormous fat people came in and heaped huge piles of food onto each of their plates. After they consumed enough to feed the Seventh Fleet they went back for seconds - then thirds! I struggled to have a second tiny plate but I couldn't finish it. I'm thinking to myself, "those people are getting a great deal. They couldn't eat at home for that price. I am the one getting ripped off!" But I began to remember that this is America! The Land of Plenty! Obesity is rampant here. I am the one who is being left out! Even with my extra 10 pounds I am only 185lbs. Each of these folks must have been in the 400lb range. Someday I'm going to fast for two days, smoke a joint then go into that place and eat EVERYTHING! I will be there from opening to close.

What the fuck is this about???

I noticed I had a new comment on one of my postings this morning and it seems some pinhead is trying to get me to invest! I recall the good old days when spam was reserved for email. Now it has festered into blogger comments. At first I thought to myself, does anyone really think this type of "advertising" really works? Is there a single individual in the world who would fall for this bullshit. But then I remember, this is the country that voted for George W. Bush so anything stupid is not outside the realm of possibility. Is anyone else getting this??? Here's the post:

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historical fact and may be "forward looking statements." Forward looking statements are based
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# posted by joeyss04wenelson : 2:33 PM

The Space Shuttle - another Bush Success!

When the Colombia Shuttle exploded on re-entry into Earth's atmoshpere NASA spent over $1 Billion to make sure the foam didn't come off the rocket of the next shuttle as it jettisoned into space. So what happens? The foam came off as the Shuttle jettisoned into space! You would think that for a BILLION DOLLARS a team of scientists could find a strong enough glue to prevent that from happening again! As we see, everyting GW Bush touches turns to shit! I think we should put Bush into space. And make sure those heat shields are broken!