Sex with teacher approved by school committee.

Springfield (SN) - In response to psychologists recommendations the Springfield school committee voted unanimously to allow 28-year-old French teacher Jane Francois to copulate with 13-year-old Jeffrey Turner.

“This boy has suffered from self-esteem problems for years”, said school committee member and psychologist Delores Johnson. “This will help improve his self-image and change him from the class punching bag into a super-cool dude that all the students will envy”.

Turner seemed excited at the prospect of having sex with his French teacher. “Wow! She’ so HOT!” he exclaimed. “Most of the guys in my class haven’t even kissed a girl yet but I’m gonna go all the way with Miss Francois!”

Miss Francois said she is looking forward to seducing her young protege. “I’ve purchased a new gown - French, of course - and I have some ice cubes and sexy underwear ready”, she said. “I hope this will make his outlook on life better and years from now he will reflect fondly on his middle school years”.

Alicia Snodgrass, the President of the local chapter of the Christian Alliance was not as enthused about the change in the boys destiny. “God will strike them all dead!” she exclaimed. “Young boys should not have sex with older women! They will burn in hell for eternity!”

Pastor Ralph Fletcher of Children of God Church didn’t agree with Ms. Snodgrass. “The Virgin Mary was only 13", the Pastor stated. “Prior to the 20th Century all the young boys were having sex with girls. It’s the American Way!”

Some of his classmates were noteably envious of Turners good fortune. School bully Jimmy Trenton, age 14, said, “why does he get to have sex with her? He’s such a weinie! I’m the one who should be doin her”. School counsilor Deanna Jenkins has already explained to Trenton that his beligerent attitude and disregard for the happiness of his classmates may prevent him from ever having sex.

“I don’t care. What they do is none of my business”, said Sherry Cargill, one of the more mature girls in Turner’s class.

The school plans a rally at 1PM for Turner and Francois. The act will be consumated shortly thereafter.

Stature of Liberty Inscription to Change

I thought it would be better to make this a new story:


NY (SN) - President Bush announced today that the inscription on the Staue of Liberty will be changed in order to combat illegal immigration and terrorism. The inscription currently reads:

"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door."

The new inscription will read:

"Give me your well-rested, your wealthy,
Your elite few yearning to spend free,
The most fortunate of your hotel-dotted shore.
Send these, the ones with big mansions and expendable income to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door - Just make sure you fill out the proper paperwork"

“We have had too many immigrants and terrorists taking advantage of this inscription for far too long”, Bush said in a prepared statement, “We will no longer tolerate these kinds of people coming to our great country, making messes and destroying our nation”.

Newly appointed Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff said, “the inscription on the Statue is an open invitation to terrorists that it is OK to attack our country. I am proud to say that for the poor and evil the lamp has been extinguished and the golden door has been slammed shut”.

Eduardo Aguirre Jr, who heads the Homeland Security Department's Bureau of Citizenship and Immigration Services gave some surpprising statistics.

“Between 2001 and 2004 we had 3,780,019 immigrants to this country. Of that 3,780,019, almost 90% of them were tired, whether from jet lag or whatever. Over 50% had incomes below $30,000 a year thus qualifying them as poor. Nearly 1/3 were huddled masses. Another 1/3 was wretched refuse from teeming shores. 785,000 were tempest-tossed. Among those tempest-tossed nearly 50% were also homeless! In other words, we are not getting the quality of immigrants this country so desperately needs and deserves. By changing the inscription on the Statue we have effectively told the world we don’t want their scum, we don’t need them and we won’t take them!”

“The 9/11 terrorists were undoubtedly tempest-tossed”, said Aguirre . “I suspect some of them were also wretched refuse of the teeming shores of the United Arab Emirates. If they had the money we would welcome them with open arms and let them buy up shipping ports but these terrorist guys are not in that league”.

Some people interviewd were not as enthusiastic about the change to the Statue. Long Island businessman Joe Cabrera said, “granted, it doesn’t mean anything anymore but it’s got sentimental value. I think we should leave it alone”.

Halliburton, Inc. Will oversee the changes to the Statue. Expected costs for the Statue of Liberty modernization are expected to be in the $350 million range.

How Our Country Has Changed!

There was once a time in America when immigrants were welcomed with open arms. Our country thrived off immigration. Now we are spending countless millions trying to prevent Mexicans from coming into this country even though they will gladly do back-breaking work for $3.00 an hour that we can't pay Americans enough for. The inscription on the Staue of Liberty reads:

"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door."

Today it can be translated as:

"Give me your well-rested, your wealthy,
Your elite few yearning to spend free,
The most fortunate of your hotel-dotted shore.
Send these, the ones with big mansions and expendable income to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door. - Just make sure you fill out the proper paperwork"

Of course, it's not just Mexicans. I know of a fairly wealthy Japanese man and his Filipino wife who had lived in this country for 20 years. As it turns out, he made an error in filling out his green card application when he first arrived. Everything was fine until 9/11. They had two homes, paid their taxes and lived life as normal Americans. Their son was enrolled at MIT. Sure enough they were deported! Last I heard their son who was only a year old when they moved here was kicked out of MIT and was also being deported despite the fact that he didn't speak Japanese or understand the culture. However, their 19 year old daughter was born here and was allowed to stay.

I'm not saying "let everyone in". I'm just questioning what happened to the values this country was founded on?

My Grandma is 101!

She has lived through it all. When she was born in 1905 most people were still riding horses. The airplane hadn't been invented yet. The radio was still in its infancy having been invented only 9 years before. Women were not allowed to vote. Teddy Roosevelt was President. She knew her great-grandfather well. He was born in 1820 - when Thomas Jefferson was still alive - and died in 1922 at 102!

Of course, my grandma has taken good care of herself. The two packs a day she smoked for 88 years have given her strong lungs (She's had to cut back to 6 cigarettes a day in the nursing home). She always had lots of packaged cookies and store-bought donuts in her drawer when we were kids. Exercise? Not if there's something good on TV!

I don't think I want to get that old. When she dies we won't even have to cremate her. Just crinkle her up.

Victory in Iraq is OURS!!!

Dear readers, Bush's war has not been a failure! I had an epiphany! This hasn't happened yet but it WILL happen! Soon Iraq will have Dunkin Donuts and Little Debby Snack Cakes and McDonalds and all the children will sit at their Playstations and become nice and fat like American kids! Peace and prosperity will rule as Walmart moves in with their Chinese imported jeans and underwear! Some of the rich adults will sit at outdoor Starbucks cafes drinking lattees and eating scones! Alcohol will no longer be banned as everyone becomes Christians and they start drinking Budweiser and Miller and having cocktails after work! Everyone will download porn as the women takes off their veils and show everyone what's underneath!

I foresee a great land that looks just like America except everyone has darker skin! I see a time when everyone sings "God Bless America" and the US "National Anthem" as they emphasive the part about "bombs bursting in air"! George W. Bush will become the Partron Saint of Iraq!

And they will have free elections so they can vote idiots into office like we do! Won't that be swell???

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Let Athletes Take Whatever They Want!

There has been a lot of press about the doping of the Winter Games. If I was in charge of the Olympics I'd say "Take whatever the hell you want. It's your body and your future!" Suddenly we would see records broken like never before! People would be running the miles in two minutes! Weightlifters would be able to lift a thousand pounds! High jumpers would be jumping 20 feet! Long jumpers jumping 50 feet! Everyone would say "Oooh" and "Aaahhh!" as the amazing athletes perform unhindered. Urine would be something to be flushed away and not analyzed under a microscope!

Of course, all the athletes would be dead in 10 years but - who cares???

Why Does Cheney Kill?

Isn't there somethng seriously wrong with a guy that kills animals just for the sport? Obviously, Cheney is not hungry. He just enjoys killing! I heard that he killed over 70 quail (not counting the lawyer) with no intention of eating them. And this man could become President?

We NEED Government Criminals!

Most of us know that Abramoff and a couple of other members of the Republican Party have admitted guilt. It would not be in our best interests to get rid of all the criminals we have in government. If we did there would BE NO GOVERNMENT! Anarchy would reign! Businesses would collapse! Most of the police would have to resign! The military would crumble! The entire planet as we know it would be destroyed! Let's either PRAISE the criminals we have now or simply impeach Bush throw out his cabinet. That would be a good start.

70 Virgins After Death?

I will reserve comment on WW3 starting over the cartoons. But I do have to question why the Muslim faith assures everyone of 70 virgins after they die. Is this a good thing? I was with a virgin back in 1985 - for the last time. Most virgins do not enjoy sex the first time. There's screaming, crying, guilt and pain. Then the gal falls in love with you and becomes insanely jealous! So now you've got 70 now-ex-virgins killing each other and calling you all hours of the night and day. And if that ain't enough, you may start off with 70 virgins but after a couple of months you've got 70 nagging bitches - FOR ETERNITY!

Why doesn't the Muslim faith simply tell everyone, "after you die you're going to hell"?

Russians/Iranians Develop Sunburn Missile. US Retaliates.

Washington (AP) - Russia has succeeded in creating the most powerful cruise missile known to mankind calling it the "Sunburn Missile" (http://www.rense.com/general59/theSunburniransawesome.htm). This missile presents a threat to the entire US Naval operation in Iraq and elsewhere. To retaliate, the US has developed the "Really Nice Tan" missile.

"The Really Nice Tan is a better missile than the Sunburn" said Navy Admiral Luke Feingold. "Our missile will produce more devastation over a longer period of time because the people don't even know they're being attacked".

"We can't allow those Russians to be better at anything than us because they will sell their technology to evil people like Iran, Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein and Fidel Castro then blow up the world with it", Feingold continued. "We need the world to raise children and make money. I have consulted with our Commander In Chief and he agrees we are better than they are".

President Bush was not aware he was Commader In Chief and was unavailable for comment.

Pollution Will Stop Global Warming!

Scientists have found the cure for Global Warming in China. Pollution! According to Fox News (http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,183085,00.html) "China's skies have darkened over the past 50 years, possibly due to haze resulting from a nine-fold increase in fossil fuel emissions, according to researchers from the U.S. Department of Energy." The article goes on to say that this Chinese region is actually cooler than the rest of China because of the pollution! The article also states ""The pollution (that) resulted from human activity may have created a haze which absorbs and deflects the sun's rays," Qian, the study's lead author, said in an e-mail interview Friday."

Damn! All this time we've been trying to get rid of pollution and we should actually be making more! We all know the sun causes skin cancer. But with an atmosphere full of particulates the sun never reaches the Earth and humanity is saved!

Leave it to the right-leaning Fox News to give us the straight answers! Let's all thunb our noses at those "environmentalists". I read another article some time ago that states that plants are a major source of global warming. So, if we just kill all the plants and pollute the atmoshpere then we will live longer, more productive lives and have a healthier planet!

Thank God for science!