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President Bush held a press conference this afternoon to tell the American people that there are no problems and everything is just fine despite assertions in the media to the contrary.
“I stand here before the American people to tell you there is nothing wrong. Everything is great. There are no problems”, Bush stated at the start of the press conference.
John Stafford of the Miami Post asked the President about the Iraq war. Bush replied, “that’s the best war we’ve ever had. Everything is going so well I wouldn’t even call it a war. Everyone loves us over there. Ask Tony Blair. He’ll tell ya the same thing”.
When questioned after the interview Blair responded, “ah yes. Pip pip. Everything is fine. Now, if you’ll excuse me I’m late for a meeting with the British Tea Council. Dear, do we have any more Earl Gray?”
Science writer Paul Flemming quizzed the President on Global Warming. Bush replied, “Do you think global warming is a problem? We’ve had one of the nicest winters in history and you people are complaining? I can come and go from the White House without a jacket in the middle of January and no one has to shovel my limo out. Global warming is the best thing that ever happened to this country”.
One reporter asked Bush about the escalating crisis in Afghanistan. Bush dismissed the question by stating, “c’mon. Ask me something important”.
Bush further elaborated that the economy could not be better and everyone is making lots of money. “As far as I can see everyone in the country is happy”, Bush said among peals of laughter from the news media. “You see? These people are laughing”.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Friday, March 17, 2006
Whales or Seals? What to do...
I have been reading about people climbing out onto ice flows in a desperate attempt to rescue seals. I have also read about people trying desperately to save the Whales. Now the problem arises. Whales eat seals. If they don't, they'll starve. Therefore, if we save the seals then the whales will all die off. However, if we save the whales, then all the seals will die. Such a quandry! Which one do I want to save? Seals are cute, that's for sure. Whales are majestic, no doubt about it. What to do? What to DO???
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Red Rain in India and Extraterrestrial Life
Hello faithful readers (you know who you are). Once in a while I feel the need to express myself in a "not funny" kind of way. Here's a bit of research I found fascinating.
In this months issue of New Scientist there is a debate over the red rain that fell over India from July through September of 2001. It appears the red rain was actually some kind of unknown biological material that may have been extra-terrestrial in origin and may or may not have originated from an exploding meteor. Two of the most remarkable things about this "life form" is that it has no DNA structure and thrives and reproduces dramatically at temperatures above 300C. This is a considerably higher temperature than any known terrestrial life form can survive. Check out
http://arxiv.org/ftp/astro-ph/papers/0312/0312639.pdf .
Even assuming this material is not extra-terrestrial it still qualifies as a new life form. Why has there been so little press about it? Is the government trying to hide that fact that we are not alone? Why isn't this the news item of the decade??? IS THERE ANY HOPE FOR HUMANITY AT ALL???!!!
Sorry. Got funny there for a moment.
In this months issue of New Scientist there is a debate over the red rain that fell over India from July through September of 2001. It appears the red rain was actually some kind of unknown biological material that may have been extra-terrestrial in origin and may or may not have originated from an exploding meteor. Two of the most remarkable things about this "life form" is that it has no DNA structure and thrives and reproduces dramatically at temperatures above 300C. This is a considerably higher temperature than any known terrestrial life form can survive. Check out
http://arxiv.org/ftp/astro-ph/papers/0312/0312639.pdf .
Even assuming this material is not extra-terrestrial it still qualifies as a new life form. Why has there been so little press about it? Is the government trying to hide that fact that we are not alone? Why isn't this the news item of the decade??? IS THERE ANY HOPE FOR HUMANITY AT ALL???!!!
Sorry. Got funny there for a moment.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
President did not know about levees
President Bush defended his actions in the aftermath of Hurrican Katrina. Bush admitted that he was never told what “levees” were before the destruction.
“I didn’t know what they were”, Bush said. “I though levees were something you used to get you car out of a ditch or something. I sure as hell wasn’t going to spend tax dollars to make sure peoples cars didn’t get stuck in ditches”.
“Even though I know what levees are now, I still stand by what I did”, Bush continued. “These are poor people we’re talking about. Most of these people didn’t have a pot to piss in. I had a vacation coming up. What do you think I’m gonna do, ruin my vacation to help a few poor colored people? Would YOU do that?" Bush asked a reporter.
"If I was President I would sir", the reporter replied.
"Well, that's why you're not President", Bush responded defensively.
“I didn’t know what they were”, Bush said. “I though levees were something you used to get you car out of a ditch or something. I sure as hell wasn’t going to spend tax dollars to make sure peoples cars didn’t get stuck in ditches”.
“Even though I know what levees are now, I still stand by what I did”, Bush continued. “These are poor people we’re talking about. Most of these people didn’t have a pot to piss in. I had a vacation coming up. What do you think I’m gonna do, ruin my vacation to help a few poor colored people? Would YOU do that?" Bush asked a reporter.
"If I was President I would sir", the reporter replied.
"Well, that's why you're not President", Bush responded defensively.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Doping to be allowed at Olympic Games
In response to sagging television ratings and decreased interest, the International Olympic Committee has decided to allow athletes the use of performance-enhancing drugs and has abandoned all urine and blood analysis.
“We had dismal ratings for the Winter Olympics this years”, Olympic Committee spokesperson Jason Felder said at a news conference. “We would have a much greater viewership if the Games were more exciting. We will not make the same mistake for the Summer Games.”
Most of the athletes expressed enthusiasm at the Committee’s decision. “We’ve been doping up for years anyway”, said speed skater Tonya Michaels, “Just now we won’t have to hide it. You don’t think I got these powerful thighs and tight ass from exercise alone, do you?”
US Super-Heavyweight weightlifter Todd Rogers expressed relief at the decision. “I was so afraid I was gonna get caught this time”, he remarked. “Now I can take my ‘medications’ without fear of being tossed off the team”.
International Olympic Committee President Jacques Rogge said that he was sick and tired of perfectly good athletes being ousted from the Games for taking cold medications or attempting to better themselves in any way possible. “We now encourage athletes to do whatever it takes to be the best they can be”, he said. “With this long-overdue decision form the Committee we will now see records broken like never before. Runners will run faster. Weightlifters will be lifting twice what they could before. Gymnasts will be able to perform acrobatics that the world has never seen! I anticipate the entire world will be watching the Games this year without exception. Advertising revenues will go through the roof!”
A very small percentage of athletes did not welcome the news so quickly. “I’m allergic to some of those drugs”, said African marathon runner Xula Kinte. “I am #1 in the world but I won’t stand a chance this time”.
After this interview Kinte was assured by doctors that hypo-allergenic performance enhancing drugs were now available and he was noticeably relieved. “Olympics move you ass here I come!” Kinte exclaimed excitedly.
Olympic financial spokesperson Delores Johansen said this move will enable the Olympic Committee to save money. “It only makes goos fiscal sense to abandon the drug testing”, she stated, “drug testing costs thousands of dollars per athlete. We will now be able to make the Games profitable without destroying the good names of the athletes.”
Dr. Harvey Johnson, the US Olympic Committee’s chief of Medicine said that this could be the best thing for the athletes. “As long as they are taking the drugs under a doctors supervision they will be fine”, he stated. “It’s only dangerous when they take the drugs off the street and try to hide it from urinalysis that it becomes a problem. The athletes will be much healthier if they don’t go downing all those cover-ups agents. That’s where the real health threats lie”.
Dr. Johnson recommends anabolic steroids for weight-lifters, gymnasts, short distance runners and anyone doing strength training. He also recommended Human Growth Hormone to aid distance runners in their recovery capacity and, in particular, help female runners build up strength and endurance. He did advise against wanton use of amphetamines as the could cause a hear attack. “But they will make you run a little faster so the choice is yours”, Dr. Johnson continued.
Russian shot-putter Olga Svenson was taking steroids even before she received the news. “Look at my clitoris”, she said as she moved her shorts off to one side. “It is almost three times bigger now. It is like penis. I have much more enjoyment of sex and can throw ball almost twice as far”.
The World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) is opposed to the Olympic Committee’s decision. “We have spent years trying to prevent people from taking drugs and enjoying themselves”, said WADA spokesperson Francois Egalite. “We can’t have athletes taking things like androstenediol, androstenedione, bolasterone, boldenone, clenbuterol, clostebol, danazol, dehydrochlormethyltestosterone, dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA), dihydrotestosterone, drostanolone, fluoxymesterone, formebolone, gestrinone, mesterolone, metandienone, metenolone, methandriol, methyltestosteroiie, mibolerone, nandrolone, 19-norandrostenediol, 19-norandrostenedione, norbolethone, norethandrolone, oxandrolone, oxymesterone, oxymetholone, salbutamol, stanozolol, testosterone and trenbolone! “ It just wouldn’t be right!
The newly-enhanced Olympics will be held in Turin this year. Turin officials are making the drugs available on an “as wanted” basis.
“We had dismal ratings for the Winter Olympics this years”, Olympic Committee spokesperson Jason Felder said at a news conference. “We would have a much greater viewership if the Games were more exciting. We will not make the same mistake for the Summer Games.”
Most of the athletes expressed enthusiasm at the Committee’s decision. “We’ve been doping up for years anyway”, said speed skater Tonya Michaels, “Just now we won’t have to hide it. You don’t think I got these powerful thighs and tight ass from exercise alone, do you?”
US Super-Heavyweight weightlifter Todd Rogers expressed relief at the decision. “I was so afraid I was gonna get caught this time”, he remarked. “Now I can take my ‘medications’ without fear of being tossed off the team”.
International Olympic Committee President Jacques Rogge said that he was sick and tired of perfectly good athletes being ousted from the Games for taking cold medications or attempting to better themselves in any way possible. “We now encourage athletes to do whatever it takes to be the best they can be”, he said. “With this long-overdue decision form the Committee we will now see records broken like never before. Runners will run faster. Weightlifters will be lifting twice what they could before. Gymnasts will be able to perform acrobatics that the world has never seen! I anticipate the entire world will be watching the Games this year without exception. Advertising revenues will go through the roof!”
A very small percentage of athletes did not welcome the news so quickly. “I’m allergic to some of those drugs”, said African marathon runner Xula Kinte. “I am #1 in the world but I won’t stand a chance this time”.
After this interview Kinte was assured by doctors that hypo-allergenic performance enhancing drugs were now available and he was noticeably relieved. “Olympics move you ass here I come!” Kinte exclaimed excitedly.
Olympic financial spokesperson Delores Johansen said this move will enable the Olympic Committee to save money. “It only makes goos fiscal sense to abandon the drug testing”, she stated, “drug testing costs thousands of dollars per athlete. We will now be able to make the Games profitable without destroying the good names of the athletes.”
Dr. Harvey Johnson, the US Olympic Committee’s chief of Medicine said that this could be the best thing for the athletes. “As long as they are taking the drugs under a doctors supervision they will be fine”, he stated. “It’s only dangerous when they take the drugs off the street and try to hide it from urinalysis that it becomes a problem. The athletes will be much healthier if they don’t go downing all those cover-ups agents. That’s where the real health threats lie”.
Dr. Johnson recommends anabolic steroids for weight-lifters, gymnasts, short distance runners and anyone doing strength training. He also recommended Human Growth Hormone to aid distance runners in their recovery capacity and, in particular, help female runners build up strength and endurance. He did advise against wanton use of amphetamines as the could cause a hear attack. “But they will make you run a little faster so the choice is yours”, Dr. Johnson continued.
Russian shot-putter Olga Svenson was taking steroids even before she received the news. “Look at my clitoris”, she said as she moved her shorts off to one side. “It is almost three times bigger now. It is like penis. I have much more enjoyment of sex and can throw ball almost twice as far”.
The World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) is opposed to the Olympic Committee’s decision. “We have spent years trying to prevent people from taking drugs and enjoying themselves”, said WADA spokesperson Francois Egalite. “We can’t have athletes taking things like androstenediol, androstenedione, bolasterone, boldenone, clenbuterol, clostebol, danazol, dehydrochlormethyltestosterone, dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA), dihydrotestosterone, drostanolone, fluoxymesterone, formebolone, gestrinone, mesterolone, metandienone, metenolone, methandriol, methyltestosteroiie, mibolerone, nandrolone, 19-norandrostenediol, 19-norandrostenedione, norbolethone, norethandrolone, oxandrolone, oxymesterone, oxymetholone, salbutamol, stanozolol, testosterone and trenbolone! “ It just wouldn’t be right!
The newly-enhanced Olympics will be held in Turin this year. Turin officials are making the drugs available on an “as wanted” basis.
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