Sex with teacher approved by school committee.

Springfield (SN) - In response to psychologists recommendations the Springfield school committee voted unanimously to allow 28-year-old French teacher Jane Francois to copulate with 13-year-old Jeffrey Turner.

“This boy has suffered from self-esteem problems for years”, said school committee member and psychologist Delores Johnson. “This will help improve his self-image and change him from the class punching bag into a super-cool dude that all the students will envy”.

Turner seemed excited at the prospect of having sex with his French teacher. “Wow! She’ so HOT!” he exclaimed. “Most of the guys in my class haven’t even kissed a girl yet but I’m gonna go all the way with Miss Francois!”

Miss Francois said she is looking forward to seducing her young protege. “I’ve purchased a new gown - French, of course - and I have some ice cubes and sexy underwear ready”, she said. “I hope this will make his outlook on life better and years from now he will reflect fondly on his middle school years”.

Alicia Snodgrass, the President of the local chapter of the Christian Alliance was not as enthused about the change in the boys destiny. “God will strike them all dead!” she exclaimed. “Young boys should not have sex with older women! They will burn in hell for eternity!”

Pastor Ralph Fletcher of Children of God Church didn’t agree with Ms. Snodgrass. “The Virgin Mary was only 13", the Pastor stated. “Prior to the 20th Century all the young boys were having sex with girls. It’s the American Way!”

Some of his classmates were noteably envious of Turners good fortune. School bully Jimmy Trenton, age 14, said, “why does he get to have sex with her? He’s such a weinie! I’m the one who should be doin her”. School counsilor Deanna Jenkins has already explained to Trenton that his beligerent attitude and disregard for the happiness of his classmates may prevent him from ever having sex.

“I don’t care. What they do is none of my business”, said Sherry Cargill, one of the more mature girls in Turner’s class.

The school plans a rally at 1PM for Turner and Francois. The act will be consumated shortly thereafter.

Stature of Liberty Inscription to Change

I thought it would be better to make this a new story:


NY (SN) - President Bush announced today that the inscription on the Staue of Liberty will be changed in order to combat illegal immigration and terrorism. The inscription currently reads:

"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door."

The new inscription will read:

"Give me your well-rested, your wealthy,
Your elite few yearning to spend free,
The most fortunate of your hotel-dotted shore.
Send these, the ones with big mansions and expendable income to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door - Just make sure you fill out the proper paperwork"

“We have had too many immigrants and terrorists taking advantage of this inscription for far too long”, Bush said in a prepared statement, “We will no longer tolerate these kinds of people coming to our great country, making messes and destroying our nation”.

Newly appointed Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff said, “the inscription on the Statue is an open invitation to terrorists that it is OK to attack our country. I am proud to say that for the poor and evil the lamp has been extinguished and the golden door has been slammed shut”.

Eduardo Aguirre Jr, who heads the Homeland Security Department's Bureau of Citizenship and Immigration Services gave some surpprising statistics.

“Between 2001 and 2004 we had 3,780,019 immigrants to this country. Of that 3,780,019, almost 90% of them were tired, whether from jet lag or whatever. Over 50% had incomes below $30,000 a year thus qualifying them as poor. Nearly 1/3 were huddled masses. Another 1/3 was wretched refuse from teeming shores. 785,000 were tempest-tossed. Among those tempest-tossed nearly 50% were also homeless! In other words, we are not getting the quality of immigrants this country so desperately needs and deserves. By changing the inscription on the Statue we have effectively told the world we don’t want their scum, we don’t need them and we won’t take them!”

“The 9/11 terrorists were undoubtedly tempest-tossed”, said Aguirre . “I suspect some of them were also wretched refuse of the teeming shores of the United Arab Emirates. If they had the money we would welcome them with open arms and let them buy up shipping ports but these terrorist guys are not in that league”.

Some people interviewd were not as enthusiastic about the change to the Statue. Long Island businessman Joe Cabrera said, “granted, it doesn’t mean anything anymore but it’s got sentimental value. I think we should leave it alone”.

Halliburton, Inc. Will oversee the changes to the Statue. Expected costs for the Statue of Liberty modernization are expected to be in the $350 million range.

How Our Country Has Changed!

There was once a time in America when immigrants were welcomed with open arms. Our country thrived off immigration. Now we are spending countless millions trying to prevent Mexicans from coming into this country even though they will gladly do back-breaking work for $3.00 an hour that we can't pay Americans enough for. The inscription on the Staue of Liberty reads:

"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door."

Today it can be translated as:

"Give me your well-rested, your wealthy,
Your elite few yearning to spend free,
The most fortunate of your hotel-dotted shore.
Send these, the ones with big mansions and expendable income to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door. - Just make sure you fill out the proper paperwork"

Of course, it's not just Mexicans. I know of a fairly wealthy Japanese man and his Filipino wife who had lived in this country for 20 years. As it turns out, he made an error in filling out his green card application when he first arrived. Everything was fine until 9/11. They had two homes, paid their taxes and lived life as normal Americans. Their son was enrolled at MIT. Sure enough they were deported! Last I heard their son who was only a year old when they moved here was kicked out of MIT and was also being deported despite the fact that he didn't speak Japanese or understand the culture. However, their 19 year old daughter was born here and was allowed to stay.

I'm not saying "let everyone in". I'm just questioning what happened to the values this country was founded on?

My Grandma is 101!

She has lived through it all. When she was born in 1905 most people were still riding horses. The airplane hadn't been invented yet. The radio was still in its infancy having been invented only 9 years before. Women were not allowed to vote. Teddy Roosevelt was President. She knew her great-grandfather well. He was born in 1820 - when Thomas Jefferson was still alive - and died in 1922 at 102!

Of course, my grandma has taken good care of herself. The two packs a day she smoked for 88 years have given her strong lungs (She's had to cut back to 6 cigarettes a day in the nursing home). She always had lots of packaged cookies and store-bought donuts in her drawer when we were kids. Exercise? Not if there's something good on TV!

I don't think I want to get that old. When she dies we won't even have to cremate her. Just crinkle her up.

Victory in Iraq is OURS!!!

Dear readers, Bush's war has not been a failure! I had an epiphany! This hasn't happened yet but it WILL happen! Soon Iraq will have Dunkin Donuts and Little Debby Snack Cakes and McDonalds and all the children will sit at their Playstations and become nice and fat like American kids! Peace and prosperity will rule as Walmart moves in with their Chinese imported jeans and underwear! Some of the rich adults will sit at outdoor Starbucks cafes drinking lattees and eating scones! Alcohol will no longer be banned as everyone becomes Christians and they start drinking Budweiser and Miller and having cocktails after work! Everyone will download porn as the women takes off their veils and show everyone what's underneath!

I foresee a great land that looks just like America except everyone has darker skin! I see a time when everyone sings "God Bless America" and the US "National Anthem" as they emphasive the part about "bombs bursting in air"! George W. Bush will become the Partron Saint of Iraq!

And they will have free elections so they can vote idiots into office like we do! Won't that be swell???

?

Let Athletes Take Whatever They Want!

There has been a lot of press about the doping of the Winter Games. If I was in charge of the Olympics I'd say "Take whatever the hell you want. It's your body and your future!" Suddenly we would see records broken like never before! People would be running the miles in two minutes! Weightlifters would be able to lift a thousand pounds! High jumpers would be jumping 20 feet! Long jumpers jumping 50 feet! Everyone would say "Oooh" and "Aaahhh!" as the amazing athletes perform unhindered. Urine would be something to be flushed away and not analyzed under a microscope!

Of course, all the athletes would be dead in 10 years but - who cares???

Why Does Cheney Kill?

Isn't there somethng seriously wrong with a guy that kills animals just for the sport? Obviously, Cheney is not hungry. He just enjoys killing! I heard that he killed over 70 quail (not counting the lawyer) with no intention of eating them. And this man could become President?

We NEED Government Criminals!

Most of us know that Abramoff and a couple of other members of the Republican Party have admitted guilt. It would not be in our best interests to get rid of all the criminals we have in government. If we did there would BE NO GOVERNMENT! Anarchy would reign! Businesses would collapse! Most of the police would have to resign! The military would crumble! The entire planet as we know it would be destroyed! Let's either PRAISE the criminals we have now or simply impeach Bush throw out his cabinet. That would be a good start.

70 Virgins After Death?

I will reserve comment on WW3 starting over the cartoons. But I do have to question why the Muslim faith assures everyone of 70 virgins after they die. Is this a good thing? I was with a virgin back in 1985 - for the last time. Most virgins do not enjoy sex the first time. There's screaming, crying, guilt and pain. Then the gal falls in love with you and becomes insanely jealous! So now you've got 70 now-ex-virgins killing each other and calling you all hours of the night and day. And if that ain't enough, you may start off with 70 virgins but after a couple of months you've got 70 nagging bitches - FOR ETERNITY!

Why doesn't the Muslim faith simply tell everyone, "after you die you're going to hell"?

Russians/Iranians Develop Sunburn Missile. US Retaliates.

Washington (AP) - Russia has succeeded in creating the most powerful cruise missile known to mankind calling it the "Sunburn Missile" (http://www.rense.com/general59/theSunburniransawesome.htm). This missile presents a threat to the entire US Naval operation in Iraq and elsewhere. To retaliate, the US has developed the "Really Nice Tan" missile.

"The Really Nice Tan is a better missile than the Sunburn" said Navy Admiral Luke Feingold. "Our missile will produce more devastation over a longer period of time because the people don't even know they're being attacked".

"We can't allow those Russians to be better at anything than us because they will sell their technology to evil people like Iran, Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein and Fidel Castro then blow up the world with it", Feingold continued. "We need the world to raise children and make money. I have consulted with our Commander In Chief and he agrees we are better than they are".

President Bush was not aware he was Commader In Chief and was unavailable for comment.

Pollution Will Stop Global Warming!

Scientists have found the cure for Global Warming in China. Pollution! According to Fox News (http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,183085,00.html) "China's skies have darkened over the past 50 years, possibly due to haze resulting from a nine-fold increase in fossil fuel emissions, according to researchers from the U.S. Department of Energy." The article goes on to say that this Chinese region is actually cooler than the rest of China because of the pollution! The article also states ""The pollution (that) resulted from human activity may have created a haze which absorbs and deflects the sun's rays," Qian, the study's lead author, said in an e-mail interview Friday."

Damn! All this time we've been trying to get rid of pollution and we should actually be making more! We all know the sun causes skin cancer. But with an atmosphere full of particulates the sun never reaches the Earth and humanity is saved!

Leave it to the right-leaning Fox News to give us the straight answers! Let's all thunb our noses at those "environmentalists". I read another article some time ago that states that plants are a major source of global warming. So, if we just kill all the plants and pollute the atmoshpere then we will live longer, more productive lives and have a healthier planet!

Thank God for science!

More About Nursery Rhymes

I had previously posted about the horrors of childrens nursery rhymes but further inspection reveals the problem to be much worse than I feared. I recall the "Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe". It goes as follow:

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe
She had so many children she didn't know what to do.
She gave them some broth without any bread,
Then whipped them all soundly
And put them to bed.

Here's a lady living in the most horrible abject poverty, starving and whipping her children. We read this stuff to kids?

How about the famous "Ring Around the Rosey"? Here's the facts on that one:

The words to the Ring around the rosy children's ring game have their origin in English history . The historical period dates back to the Great Plague of London in 1665 (bubonic plague) or even before when the first outbreak of the Plague hit England in the 1300's. The symptoms of the plague included a rosy red rash in the shape of a ring on the skin (Ring around the rosy). Pockets and pouches were filled with sweet smelling herbs ( or posies) which were carried due to the belief that the disease was transmitted by bad smells. The term "Ashes Ashes" refers to the cremation of the dead bodies! The death rate was over 60% and the plague was only halted by the Great Fire of London in 1666 which killed the rats which carried the disease which was transmitting via water sources.

Damn! 3-year-old are into this stuff! How about Red Riding Hood where the grandmother gets eaten. Or Snow White where the hottest babe in the land is living with seven horny dwarves?

It never ends!

Everyone Should Start Smoking.

Over the past 20 years obesity has become epidemic in this country. There was once a time when very few Americans were obese. Why? Because eveyone smoked! When people quit smoking they gained weight. Now people don't smoke and they are fat. The solution to the obesity problem is quite simple. Everyone start smoking! We would see fewer deaths from obesity related illnesses and diabetes would no longer be such a health threat! Why can comedians figure this out and doctors can't?

MURDER VS WAR - WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

I am certainly not the first person to ever think of this. When a person kills another person in this country he is called a murderer. That person is either put in jail for life or executed. However, when a person kills another person in a war he is a HERO! And the more people he kills more of a hero he is. Lemme think. If I can kill a thousand strangers in a war then I get to meet the President, get medals and go down in history as a great war hero. However, if I kill one person not in a war then I am branded as the most horrible person to walk the face of the Earth. So, when your government tells you to kill then killing is a good thing but don't do it unless they TELL you to!

REAL Source of Global Warming Found!!!

The ture source of global warming has been founbd and it has NOTHING to do with us! It seems PLANTS have been causing the trouble! Check out http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060111/sc_nm/environment_methane_dc
The must be a special variety of "farting plant" because they produce methane and contribute to 30% of global warming! This should be the news of the century! The obvious solution is to KILL THE PLANTS!!! If we kill the plants then we can produce all the pollution we want guilt-free!

Would THIS Put You To Sleep???

I was at a friends house the other night as she was singin her baby off to sleep with a children's Lullaby. The song goes as such:

Rock-a-bye baby, in the tree top
When the wind blows, the cradle will rock
When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall
And down will come baby, cradle and all

The beginning of this ballad is indeed relaxing. The kid is rocking gently with the wind and it's very peaceful. But it takes on a whole new significance toward the end of the song when the branch breaks and the baby comes crashing to the ground! I can only envision the remains of the baby lying there in a pool of blood with a tree branch sticking through the cradle! This is one of the most gruesome things that can happen to either a baby or a parent! And we expect this disturbing nightmare to put kids to SLEEP???!!! This song must have been written by either a child abuser or a sociopath!

Of course, even bedtime stroies such as "Hansel & Gretel" are supposed to lull children off to slumber. Here is the story of two children who rob the lady, eat her house then throw her into an oven and watch her cook to death!

Is it any wonder kids are messed up?

Flaws Found in Intelligent Design Theory.

In an announcement sure to rock the scientific world, Dr. Jack Harvey, a noted biochemist, claims he has found several flaws in the scientifically regarded theory of "intelligent design".

"There are several aspects to the theory that just don't fit together", Dr. Harvey claims. "Penguins, for example. Why would any intelligent being design such a bird, unless as a cruel joke". Harvey claims that the birds awkward motions and inability to fly are not intelligent at all. "In fact, Dr. Harvey continues, "this bird is the work of a total moron".

Dr Harvey also claims that mosquitos, flies and many forms of bacteria are also not intelligently designed. "Not to mention ostiches", Harvey says, "Have you ever seen a more ridiculous looking animal?"

Harvey claims that even human beings have faults which a truly intelligent being would have solved before being placed on Earth. "Some humans are fine", he said, "while others tend toward obesity or develop some sort of illness. A truly intelligent creator would not have allowed such discrepancies".

Dr. Rob Weinstein, a respected molecular biologist, disagreed with Harvey's statements. "Harvey has no idea what he's talking about", Weinstein stated, "even the smartest of us make little mistakes. To err is human!"

Some scientists say that Havey's claims bolster the ridiculous idea of "evolution".

Cox Merges With Ucker

Atlanta, GA multi-media provider Cox Communications completed its planned merger with Ucker Media, a California based provider of internet services. The company will be re-named Cox-Ucker Inc.

Cox Communications has been a leader in the southwest for nearly 10 years. Most of the men and women in the South have Cox.

“I’ve always enjoyed Cox”, said Phoenix resident Sylvia Grant.

“I have enjoyed Cox for several years”, intoned area business manager John Stelling, “I hope this new Cox-Ucker can do just as well”.

Some people were not quite as enthusisatic about the recent merger. Area business owner Ralph Guspacho said, “Cox-Ucker can suck my (expletive deleted).

Martha Focker, a Cox-Ucker spokesperson said, “with the merger of these two powerhouses we will provided Cox-Ucker to most of the homes and businesses in the southwest and 18 states. This will pave the way for easier high-speed internet, cable TV, telephone and other Cox-Ucker services”.

Focker also stated that the new company will build a 50 story office building in downtown Atlanta, GA. The company plans to remove existing businesses with the newly revised “eminent domain” laws. Focker says that the Cox-Ucker empire is worth more to the community than a few apartments, stores and family restaurants.

“The eminent domain laws save the company money” she stated, “Instead of having to offer three or four times the market rate to buy the businessess out we can simply pay below-market rates and have the government kick them out. Of course, we will pass the savings along to the consumers”.

The company has changed all of its letterhead and business cards. Their office answering system already greets customers with “Thank you for calling Cox-Ucker...”

A spokesman for Qwest Communications, formerly Cox biggest competitor said, “We can’t compete against this Cox-Ucker. We must devise a new plan to prevent Cox-Ucker from driving us out of business!”

Newly appointed Cox-Ucker CEO George Graverly said in a prepared statement, “We intend on providing the best services to our customers and investors. Our new motto is Do Buisness the Cox-Ucker Way”.

There have been fears of massive layoffs and restructuring. To allay these fears, Graverly suggested that people who don't want to work for the company should quit.

When A Cop Pulls You Over, What Do You Say?

Of course, Cops ask stupid questions when they pull people over. And we are forced to give the wrong answer as there is no RIGHT answer.

For example, a cop pulls you over and inevitably says, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

How does one answer this? If I say "no" then it looks like I'm a careless and reckless driver with no conscious idea of what I'm doing. If I say "yes" then it looks like I'm deliberatly thumbing my nose at the law. In either case, I am forced to incriminate myself. But we can't exercise our Constitutional right to silence either because that would make us look even more guilty.

Perhaps honesty if the best policy. "Yes sir. I was going 90MPH in a 35MPH lane. Please write me a ticket and bring me to jail."

Nah! That won't work. Anyone have any suggestions?

Save The Trees Before It's Too Late!

A couple months ago I was at Six Flags Amusement Park with my girlfriend. After coming off the Tilta-A-Wheel I headed for a nearby tree to steady myself. I pulled a couple of leaves off the tree. A pot-bellied security guard spotted me and shouted, "Hey You!" At first I ignored him because I didn't realize I am the "you" he was referring to. He approached me.

"Hey Pal, did you just pull some leaves off that tree?"

I put my hand with the offending leaves behind my back and dropped them. "Why no, officer", I replied, knowing full well that he's not a police officer and that no police force in the country would ever even let this guy into the station without locking him up.

"I saw you do it!" Right then I knew that I was busted. "We have rules against people pulling the leaves off trees here!" he shouted. "What would happen if everyone started pulling the leaves off that trees".

I thought about this situation. It had never occured to me before. There are 100,000 visitors to that park every day. There are 300 million people in this country. If EVERYONE pulled a couple of leaves off that tree within hours the tree would be stripped bare! Then they would move on to the other trees in the park and start pulling their leaves off. Within a couple of weeks the entire park would be leafless! People, in their mad desire to defoliate, would then start ripping the leaves off any tree they saw! Within months the entire country would be defoliated! This phenomenon would spread to the rest of the world! People in the Amazon would have the entire rain forest plucked clean in days! The Earth would become polluted with CO2. The oceans would dry up! Humanity and life as we know it would be wiped out within 10 years! The Earth would burn to a cinder!!!

"I'm sorry sir", I said to the guard. "I guess it's a good thing EVERYONE doesn't do that".

"Just don't do it again", the guard said smuggly.

By preventing me from plucking leaves off the tree the guard had inadvertently saved humanity. My girlfiend and I went out and bought corn dogs. I took mine and shoved it up his ass.

Lighten up pal.