Cox Merges With Ucker

Atlanta, GA multi-media provider Cox Communications completed its planned merger with Ucker Media, a California based provider of internet services. The company will be re-named Cox-Ucker Inc.

Cox Communications has been a leader in the southwest for nearly 10 years. Most of the men and women in the South have Cox.

“I’ve always enjoyed Cox”, said Phoenix resident Sylvia Grant.

“I have enjoyed Cox for several years”, intoned area business manager John Stelling, “I hope this new Cox-Ucker can do just as well”.

Some people were not quite as enthusisatic about the recent merger. Area business owner Ralph Guspacho said, “Cox-Ucker can suck my (expletive deleted).

Martha Focker, a Cox-Ucker spokesperson said, “with the merger of these two powerhouses we will provided Cox-Ucker to most of the homes and businesses in the southwest and 18 states. This will pave the way for easier high-speed internet, cable TV, telephone and other Cox-Ucker services”.

Focker also stated that the new company will build a 50 story office building in downtown Atlanta, GA. The company plans to remove existing businesses with the newly revised “eminent domain” laws. Focker says that the Cox-Ucker empire is worth more to the community than a few apartments, stores and family restaurants.

“The eminent domain laws save the company money” she stated, “Instead of having to offer three or four times the market rate to buy the businessess out we can simply pay below-market rates and have the government kick them out. Of course, we will pass the savings along to the consumers”.

The company has changed all of its letterhead and business cards. Their office answering system already greets customers with “Thank you for calling Cox-Ucker...”

A spokesman for Qwest Communications, formerly Cox biggest competitor said, “We can’t compete against this Cox-Ucker. We must devise a new plan to prevent Cox-Ucker from driving us out of business!”

Newly appointed Cox-Ucker CEO George Graverly said in a prepared statement, “We intend on providing the best services to our customers and investors. Our new motto is Do Buisness the Cox-Ucker Way”.

There have been fears of massive layoffs and restructuring. To allay these fears, Graverly suggested that people who don't want to work for the company should quit.