S E E Quine has requested that I update my blog. I haven't done so in MONTHS! However, you can catch some of my satire at http://unconfirmedsources.com/index.php?memberid=30 if you feel so inclined. Howdy Seequine! I'm doing all this just for you! Send me an email! Put me on your Facebook!

To Promote Abstinence, Bush Begins 'Just say NO to vagina' Campaign

Written by NickFun (same story but with a picture at
http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s2i23057)

President Bush and his wife Laura announced today that the federal government will attempt to promote their Abstinence Only program and discourage teenage boys from having sex with a new $1.2 Billion 'Just say NO to vagina' advertising campaign.

"The problem is that teenage boys don't seem to be able to resist vaginas." Bush said. "When I was a youth we were satisfied with a quick breast feel or a peek at the panties. We understood that penile penetration of the vagina was a sacred act reserved for married adult couples. We must promote Christian values and celibacy by proclaiming the evils of unwed vaginas and inappropriate and underage coital insertion".

His wife Laura firmly agreed. "That's right", she said.

Acting Surgeon General Rear Admiral Kenneth P. Moritsugu, M.D., M.P.H. believes that sex at too young an age can lead to both physical and mental challenges later in life. "Sex before the age of 21 can lead to physical problems such as impotency, kidney trouble, early onset Alzheimer's and obesity. Not to mention the usual litany of sexually transmitted diseases".

"Also", Moritsugu continued, "premature sex can lead to mental illnesses such as paranoia, schizophrenia and psychosis."

The advertising agency of Eileen & Ben Dover will be handling the television and print advertising for the new campaign. The television ad campaign will portray a young man locked in a straightjacket, rocking back and forth in his chair with an insane look in his eye as the announcer proclaims, "He though it would be OK to have sex at 16. He was wrong". The caption below reads: Just say NO to vagina".

Buy our product or you will die!

We are a country dominated by fear. Advertising is geared toward the "What if" factor.

I just watched a TV commercial for ADT Security Systems. The commercial portrays a hapless victim describing how thieves had broken into his home and stolen all his merchandise. Then he spoke about what could have happened if he and his wife were home! At this point the viewer is forced to imagine some horrific scene of extreme bloodshed and mayhem! If we don't all buy an ADT system we risk this horrifying albeit imagined scenario! Surely there are some schmucks out there that will buy one. They even offer a "theft guarantee". I would imagine this is easy because so few homes with or without this system will ever be broken into.

Prescription medicines also work on this principle. Cholesterol medicines very subtly tell us that if we don't take their medicine we will all die of heart attacks. Plavix has an ad that says "no matter how formidable you are, you're no match for a dangerous clot". Egad! I better get some Plavix right now! After all, I'm not pregnant or plan to become pregnant!

The same is true of expensive "low dose" aspirin. This product wil lower your chance of a heart attack by 30%!! What they don't tell you is that a couple of inexpensive baby aspirin are the same thing.

Just about every medicine on TV is aimed at our fears. In the old days, the choice of medicines for ailments was chosen by a doctor or pharmacist. Now WE are the ones that choose our medicines.

Insurance companies tell us that we will all have terrible car accidents and we will be in tremendous debt unless we use their particular insurance.

Online dating services tell us will will all die alone unless we join.

My chain-smoking, processed-food loving, pastry eating grandma just passed away at 102. Her philosophy was simple. "Do whatever the hell you want and don't worry about it".

Bush announces his plan to destroy America

http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s2i22389


According to White House sources, President George W. Bush has secretly begun a campaign to destroy the U.S. economy in order to combat illegal immigration and terrorism.

White House Deputy Press Secretary Dana Perino claimed that rising interest rates, increased government spending, huge personal debts and negative cash flows are discouraging would-be illegal immigrants from entering the U.S.

"We need to stop illegal immigration at the source", Perino said at a press conference. "The reasons people are sneaking across the border are because they are seeking better jobs, better home life, more financial security and a better quality of life. If we eliminate these incentives then illegal immigration will become a thing of the past".

"Terrorists attack the U.S. because they feel threatened by our tremendous wealth", Perino continued. "If they feel that they are better off than we are then they will no longer feel the need to attack us".

U.S. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson agreed with Perino's statement. "Our country has been too wealthy for too long", Paulson said. "We must destroy the infrastructure of the nation in order to keep Mexicans, Canadians, Chinese and other illegals from landing on our shore."

Director of National "Intelligence" Mike McConnell said that the U.S. will start playing films at all border crossing displaying the decaying state of America. "When them illegals catch glimpse of how bad America is they will change their minds and go home", McConnell stated.

At a Rose Garden reception later this afternoon George W. Bush expressed confidence that his plan will work.

"Pretty soon we won't see anymore Mexicans climbing over the fence", Bush told an associate.

STUDY SHOWS PEOPLE HATE STORIES WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS

A FIVE YEAR, $11.2 MILLION DOLLAR US GOVERNMENT STUDY HAS PROVEN THAT MOST READERS DO NOT LIKE STORIES WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS, ACCORDING TO THE STUDIES PRINCIPAL AUTHOR JAMES HASSENHOFF.

"THE ALL-CAPS STUDY HAS SHOWN THAT PEOPLE PREFER A COMBINATION OF CAPS AND NON-CAPS", HASSENHOFF SAID. "PEOPLE LIKE THEIR SENTENCES TO START WITH CAPS BUT WITH EVERY SUBSEQUENT LETTER IN THE SENTENCE TO BE IN LOWER CASE, WITH THE EXCEPTION OF PROPER NAMES AND SOME NOUNS".

"PEOPLE CONSIDER ALL CAPS THER SAME AS SHOUTING", SAID PATRICIA JENKINS, A POST-DOCTORAL STUDENT WORKING ON THE STUDY.

JENKINS SAID THAT ALL-LOWER-CASE CAN BE EQUALLY ANOYING.

"all lower case makes it look like you're whispering", jenkins said very quietly.

THE RESEARCHERS RECOMMEND THAT AMERICANS USE A COMBINATION OF UPPER AND LOWER CASE LETTERING IN THEIR EMAIL AND DAILY CORRESPONDENCE.

"ANOTHER PROBLEM", HASSENHOFF CONTINUED, "IS THAT ON MOST WORD PROCESSORS SPELL CHECK DOES NOT WORK IN ALL CAPS THUS FORCING THE WRITER TO DO MORE HEAVY EDITING. TIS LOWERS AMERICAN PRODUCTIBITY".

NOW THAT THE ALL CAPS STUDY HAS BEEN COMPLETED THE REASERCHERS WILL SPEND THE NEXT FIVE YEARS STUDYING THE IMPORTANCE OF PUNCTUATION CLEVER READERS WILL FIND THE SELLING ERRORS IN THIS DUCUMENT

Did Paris Hilton Get Special Treatment?

Paris got Perks in Jail
Story written: 15 July 2007

LOS ANGELES - The Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department has opened an investigation into whether Paris Hilton received special "perks" during her 23 days in jail last month.

"Ms Hilton was allowed a cell phone, cable TV with all HBO channels, her own King Size bed, caviar, champagne, silk evening gowns, overnight visitors and several small evening soirees loaded with celebrities", according a jail official who asked not to be named. "She also was allowed trips to the hairdresser and manicurist".

Other jail officials were adamant that Paris received no special treatment. "She didn't get anything. Nothing. She was treated mercilessly just like all the prisoners. She wasn't ever allowed out of her cell and she had to relieve herself in a bucket", according to a jail guard.

Paris herself was mostly silent on the matter except to say that "home is much nice than jail".

I have sold out...

Blogger is offering to PAY every time someone visits the site. All I have to do is agree to have ads on my site. I'm hoping that most of my readers (among the few I have left after my long absence) will be intelligent enough to know what to do. It won't be long before you can enter my site and line my pockets at the same time. If you also do the "AdSense" thing then I can visit YOUR site and line YOUR pockets. Google is worth hundreds of billions. This is our chance to cash in! I can see myself with a a NEW JACUZZI in my backyard! Or driving a GREAT NEW SPORTS CAR!!!. Maybe I will become the BLOGGER KING!!!

Sorry. I'm being selfish. I also promise to give a dollar to the poor every once in a while.

DC Madam Reveals Political Preferences

Washington DC - Deborah Jeane Palfrey, the notorious owner of Deborah Jeane Palfrey's Escort Service, was forced to hand over her Washington DC client list to a Grand Jury this afternoon.The list contained not only the client list but the clients personal sexual preferences as well. I managed to get a copy of the list.

Though the actual list is over 387 pages, here are some of the highlights:

Randall Tobias, the now former director of U.S. Foreign Assistance and former administrator of the U.S. Agency for International Development enjoys dressing in diapers and having his ass whacked with a steel brush as he cries. Tobias, 65, was forced to resign his position because of his relationship with the escort service.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates enjoys having his toes sucked while he sings "The Star Spangled Banner" off key.

Dick Cheney enjoys receiving fellatio as he complains bitterly about his wife's sagging breasts.

George W Bush also solicited the services of the Escort Service but he simply enjoys watching the ladies undress and undulate while he sits there with an appalled expression on his face.

National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice enjoys foursomes including two lesbian women and an Arab of either sex.Mike Johanns

Dirk Kempthorne, Elaine Chao, Henry M. Paulson, Jr., Jim Nicholson and other members of Bush's cabinet enjoy engaging in an orgy amongst themselves with 3 to 5 of Palfrey's escorts thrown in.

Bush Admits to Masturbating

In an unusually candid interview this afternoon President George W Bush, an outspoken opponent of pornography, admits that he masturbated once when he was younger.

"I tried it once when I was at Yale", Bush told a reporter. "It's not something I am proud of, I didn't ejaculate, I didn't enjoy it and I would never do it again".

Bush insists that he didn't use porn during his masturbatory misadventure. "It started", Bush said, "when I caught a glimpse up Rebbecca Johnson's skirt. I could clearly see the crotch of her panties and this stimulated me. It was simply a youthful experimentation. I do understand that some young people do it regularly and this disturbs me. The Bible clearly states that we shouldn't be spilling our seed and that to do so is an offense against the almighty".

Rebbecca Johnson, now Rebbecca Van Wendt, was contacted at her home in New Canaan, CT. She was appalled when she heard that her privacy had been violated. "He did that? What a perv! If I knew he was like that I never would have voted for him." Ms Johnson later revealed that she didn't vote for him.

Bush was adamant that the viewing of nude women was also wrong. "Men should not be looking at nude women. I have never seen my wife naked. We've had sex twice and both times it was in the dark and for the intention of producing offspring. I never had sex with her again after the twins were born".

First Lady Laura Bush confirmed her husband's statement. "The first time was a few months after on our wedding and the second time was a few years later when the twins were conceived".

Mrs Bush's long-time private gardener agreed with Mrs Bush's statement. "She hasn't had sex with him but she doesn't need to", he said with a smile.

American Armed Forces Turning to Gay Lifestyle

Many American soldiers prefer the air-conditioned indoor intimacy of tanks like this one.


The vast majority of American soldiers stationed in Iraq are starting to display homosexual characteristics, according to a Pentagon report secretly leaked to the media.

American servicemen serving extended stays in Iraq have been deprived of the company of women and are rarely even allowed to speak with their wives or girlfriends. All Iraqi women are required to be covered in veils and tarps. Servicemen are not allowed pornography or any depiction of nude women. This has resulted in many formerly heterosexual soldiers to turn gay.

"That's not true at all", said Rear Admiral Mark Fox, communications director for Multinational Force Iraq as he sipped a fruity cocktail. "There are no gay boys or homos in my platoon or any Iraqi platoon".

Some soldiers disputed Fox assertions. "We have to sleep with boys and shower with boys and spend all our time with boys", said a Sergeant who did not want his name revealed. "Desperate times call for desperate measures".

"There are some advantages", said an unnamed Private. "Now I can just throw a pillow on my sleeping bag and the whole tent looks fabulous".

One Iraqi platoon was seen putting on their own Broadway-style musicals. Another platoon was reprimanded for demanding matching drapes and shower curtains. Army psychologists are investigating the matter.

The Spoof was unable to reveal the thousands of names of Iraqi soldiers because of the Military's strict "don't ask, don't tell" policy.

The Wizard of Oz is NOT for children!

Children should not be watching The Wizard of Oz. It teaches them all the wrong lessons! People are under the mistaken belief that Dorothy is the good guy, whereas, in reality, Dorothy is the bad guy!

The picture turns evil when the movie changes from black and white to color. The first thing that happens is Dorothy's house lands in Oz and she kills this lady with her house! That's murder! But when Dorothy comes out of her house everyone is singing and dancing at the heinous crime that Dorothy just committed. Dorothy herself feels not a bit of remorse.

Then Glinda, the so called "good witch" shows up and insists Dorothy steal the shoes of the dead lady. The lady's not even cold and they're stealing from her! At this point the dead lady's sister shows up and asks for the shoes. She's next of kin! She's entitled! That's her sisters only legacy -- her rightful inheritance! But Dorothy and Glinda won't give her the shoes!

After that Dorothy, the little sociopath, skips happily down the yellow brick road like nothing happened!

Then she comes across the scarecrow. She asks the scarecrow, "which way should I go?" Here's a kid that's what, 12 or 13 years old? The scarecrow says "some people go this way, some people go that way and some people go BOTH WAYS! Not MY kids!

Dorothy and her three boyfriends skip on down the road until they come to this big field of poppies. POPPIES!!! That's what they make heroin out of! Dorothy starts feeling stoned and passes out. Then Glinda shows up and gives her some snow! Can you say COCAINE??? This peps her up enough so she cn get to Oz where she can see the "horse of different color". I also saw this 30 years ago when I was tripping on acid!

Later on in the film Dorothy kills the Witch of the West and steals her broom! First she kills her sister, then she steals her inheritance then she murders her! Is it any wonder why the "Witch of the West" is so upset? I would say the witch was restrained to the point of sainthood! I would have been pissed off at Dorothy too!

In conclusion, Dorothy has only been in Oz a few days and she becomes a murderer -- TWICE, a thief, a lesbian and a drug abuser! Do we really want our kids watching this???

Why are people offended by porn?

I was on the Flickr Photo web site the other day with my lady friend. We stumbled upon a picture of a nude woman with her legs spread.

“That’s totally disgusting”, my lady friend said.

As she said that I started thinking. Every human being on Earth is the end result of a naked man standing over a naked woman with her legs spread. Every human is the result of a man inserting his penis into a woman’s vagina.

My lady friend, and nearly every other woman on Earth, loves sex! So many people are offended by pictures of men inserting the penises into women but they love inserting their OWN penises into women’s vaginas.

If not for naked women with spread legs and naked men with erect penises the entire human race would cease to exist! But we find pictures of the same thing disgusting? We see a baby being born and comment on how beautiful it is. But if we witness the act that caused that baby to be born we revile in abject horror!

Doesn't this make us hypocrites of the highest order?

There is definitely something wrong with our way of thinking when a President is impeached for have sexual relations with a woman whereas another President is allowed to brutally murder hundreds of thousands without reprisal.

“Don’t you think so”, my girlfriend asked, bringing me back to reality.

“Huh? Oh yea. It sure is”, I replied.

Abstinence Program Fails; Bush Sets Puberty Age at 18

A Study commissioned by Congress promoting abstinence only programs has proven completely ineffective in preventing or delaying teenagers from having sexual intercourse. Therefore, President Bush has set the minimum age for puberty at 18 for all U.S. youth.

"The problem is that teenagers are going through puberty at much younger ages than they did 30 years ago", Bush stated. "Therefore, I have signed legislation setting the minimum age for puberty at 18". I am sick and tired of hearing about children going through school with bad grades simply because of this puberty thing."

Acting Surgeon General Rear Admiral Kenneth P. Moritsugu, M.D., M.P.H. said that with proper hormonal treatment puberty can be delayed indefinitely. "Desperate time call for desperate measures", Moritsugu stated. "By delaying puberty we can prevent children from having sex, reduce the number of unwanted pregnancies and eliminate the possibility of sexually transmitted diseases".

"I have seen girls as young as nine with breasts and pubic hair", Moritsugu continued. "And I have heard anecdotal reports of boys that age getting erections. Mr. Bush and I agree that we must set a definite limit before it gets totally out of control".

Doctors and scientists do not fully understand why children are going through puberty so young though there is a consensus that the only way to stop it from happening is medical intervention.

"We will increase border patrols to prevent young people from going to Canada or Mexico for puberty", said Homeland Security Director of National Intelligence Mike McConnell.

Not everyone favored the change to the puberty age. "If he pulls this off I'm leaving the country", said New York Pharmacist and father of three John Bakerman.

Bush did say that children who have already started will be allowed to keep their puberty, albeit in a more hormonally balanced way.

The Bill is expected to be approved by the House but may face a opposition from the hornier, Democratically controlled Senate.

funny editorial : Why MUST I put the toilet seat down?

funny editorial : Why MUST I put the toilet seat down? I think I will start keeping this blog again. Does anyone remember me???

Pope to allow Fellatio; Cunnilingus

Vatican City (AP) Priests all over the world celebrated as Pope Benedict XVI announced today that Catholic priests will now be allowed to receive fellatio and administer cunnilingus. This is in keeping with the Pope’s “modernization” of the Church.

“Celibacy needs to be defined”, the Pontiff said in a prepared statement. “I don’t think the founders of our Church ever meant to say that priests can’t have orgasms. However, priests are still forbidden from having their penis enter the vagina. Celibacy has not been abandoned”.

Fr. John McElwyn of St. Johns Cathedral praised the Pope’s decision. “Hopefully this historic decision will help sway young people to the church and steer priests away from young boys”, McElwyn said.

Sister Mary Ellen Ignatius expressed concern that the Pope was not addressing the sexual needs of nuns. “We want some too”, the sister proclaimed. “The entire church has been male dominated for hundreds of years.”

Seemingly in response to Sister Ignatius request, the Pontiff later proclaimed that the standards that apply to priests will apply equally to nuns. The Pope further added, “Anal intercourse will be permitted but strictly for non-homosexuals and lesbians. Guys on guys just totally weirds me out”.

The Pope also clarified sexual rules for the lay members. "There shall be no church restriction on Dildos, Vibrators French Ticklers or other forms of marital aids and sexual enhancement", the Pontiff decreed, "however, condoms are still forbidden". A Pontifical spokesperson said the use of sexual enhancements is in keeping with the Bibles rule of "be fruitful and multiply". "This enables more people to be more fruitful and do more multiplying" the spokesperson said.

The Pope admitted that he enjoys having his feet kissed and sees little difference between that and a full fledged blow job. His Holiness explained that it is important for priests to be able to at least partly relate to the lay believers.

Some long time parishioners were skeptical of the Popes success. “How is he going to enforce the part about keeping the penis out of the vagina?” asked 53 year old stockbroker and daily churchgoer Richard Merullo. “This is all just a crock of shit”.

The Pontiff was in conference with Sister Ignatius and not immediately available to comment.

Is masturbation SINFUL???

I actually met a "Christian" the other day who though masturbation is sinful! I felt sorry for this guy as he is young and denying himself something that every young man and woman does -- and I suspect he does too.

I patiently explained to him that during Biblical times it was considered a waste of good sperm to waste it on wanking as there were not many people in the world. However, we now live in an over-populated world. If people do not masturbate then they are forced by nature to have more sex. The population would explode! Humanity would consume all the Earths resources. Co2 levels would skyrocket! The Earth's temperature would rise to the point where no living thing could survive! Within one hundred years the planet would burn to a cinder! All because of some misguided religious belief!

I, for one, refuse to be a part of the problem! Of course I enjoy getting laid but I won't sacrifice the planet for it! For the future of humanity, let's all wank and twiddle to our hearts content! Let's make this planet a liveable place for our children and our children's children!

WHO'S WITH ME???

Ever Been to a Psychic?

For some reason this subject popped into my head. I don't deny the reality of "psychic" abilities because I possess a bit of them myself. The thing I can't stand are the frauds, charlatans and snake-oil salesmen. One time a few years ago I heard that I could get 10 minutes on a 900 psychic line for free. I was assured I would not be charged as long as long as I hung up before 10 minutes. The conversation went something like this:

Psychic: This is Hilda, thank you for calling the psychic hotline, may I ask your name?

Me: You're the psychic you tell me!

Psychic: Is this Jeff Vachon?

Me: Wow! You have caller ID!

Psychic: How can I help you Mr Vachon?

Me: Tell me my fortune.

Psychic: You are about to have some fortune in your romantic life!

Me: Shhh! Don't tell my wife, she'll get all upset.

Psychic: You are about to encounter some very good fortune financially.

Me: You mean that stock I bought in 8-track tapes is going to pay off! Yowza!

Psychic: You don't believe in psychics, do you?

Me: Wow! You ARE psychic!

At this point I realized that nearly two minutes had gone by and I didn't want to get carried away so I ended the call. They didn't charge me but I got put on a mailing list for everyone selling everything from magic potions to tabloids.

Keep in mind, there are some GOOD psychics out there. But you will never find them on a 900 number. It reminds me of a gal I knew who did phone sex and got paid big bucks for sitting at home pretending to be aroused. But that's another story.

Beware the "Thought Police"!

Just when I thought we had reached rock bottom, the bottom fell out and the United States reached a new low! According to every news report in the world, seven men were charged on Friday with conspiring to blow up the landmark Sears Tower in Chicago. The article later stated that the men didn't actually DO anything -- they just TALKED about it. None of them had ever even BEEN to Chicago! The article in Yahoo News reads in part:

But Attorney General Alberto Gonzales told a news conference in Washington that the plotting by the "home-grown terrorism cell" never went beyond the earliest stages.

"There was no immediate threat," Gonzales said, acknowledging the defendants never had contact with al Qaeda and did not have weapons or explosives.

This mean the guys did not actually DO anything! I recall the days of my youth when you didn't get locked up or even charged for that matter until you actually committed a crime! If thinking bad thoughts is a crime then I have already killed the President and overthrown the government. Is this country totally fucked up or is it just me???

The lovely Ann Coulter!

I wish everone would stop shitting on lovely Ann. She's a God-fearing Republican who thinks the rest of us are "godless" and immoral. Actually I like Ann just for being so entertaining. She's like a male Pat Robertson. Full of shit and proud of it! I don't DISlike her just because she's an egomaniacle, lying, hateful, vengeful, Bush-loving closeted lesbian. I just don't trust any woman with an Adams Apple bigger than mine. But on second look I must ask myself "is that an adams apple or is that simply the permanant outline of an enormous schlong she tried to stuff down her throat?"