More About Nursery Rhymes

I had previously posted about the horrors of childrens nursery rhymes but further inspection reveals the problem to be much worse than I feared. I recall the "Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe". It goes as follow:

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe
She had so many children she didn't know what to do.
She gave them some broth without any bread,
Then whipped them all soundly
And put them to bed.

Here's a lady living in the most horrible abject poverty, starving and whipping her children. We read this stuff to kids?

How about the famous "Ring Around the Rosey"? Here's the facts on that one:

The words to the Ring around the rosy children's ring game have their origin in English history . The historical period dates back to the Great Plague of London in 1665 (bubonic plague) or even before when the first outbreak of the Plague hit England in the 1300's. The symptoms of the plague included a rosy red rash in the shape of a ring on the skin (Ring around the rosy). Pockets and pouches were filled with sweet smelling herbs ( or posies) which were carried due to the belief that the disease was transmitted by bad smells. The term "Ashes Ashes" refers to the cremation of the dead bodies! The death rate was over 60% and the plague was only halted by the Great Fire of London in 1666 which killed the rats which carried the disease which was transmitting via water sources.

Damn! 3-year-old are into this stuff! How about Red Riding Hood where the grandmother gets eaten. Or Snow White where the hottest babe in the land is living with seven horny dwarves?

It never ends!

Everyone Should Start Smoking.

Over the past 20 years obesity has become epidemic in this country. There was once a time when very few Americans were obese. Why? Because eveyone smoked! When people quit smoking they gained weight. Now people don't smoke and they are fat. The solution to the obesity problem is quite simple. Everyone start smoking! We would see fewer deaths from obesity related illnesses and diabetes would no longer be such a health threat! Why can comedians figure this out and doctors can't?

MURDER VS WAR - WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

I am certainly not the first person to ever think of this. When a person kills another person in this country he is called a murderer. That person is either put in jail for life or executed. However, when a person kills another person in a war he is a HERO! And the more people he kills more of a hero he is. Lemme think. If I can kill a thousand strangers in a war then I get to meet the President, get medals and go down in history as a great war hero. However, if I kill one person not in a war then I am branded as the most horrible person to walk the face of the Earth. So, when your government tells you to kill then killing is a good thing but don't do it unless they TELL you to!

REAL Source of Global Warming Found!!!

The ture source of global warming has been founbd and it has NOTHING to do with us! It seems PLANTS have been causing the trouble! Check out http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060111/sc_nm/environment_methane_dc
The must be a special variety of "farting plant" because they produce methane and contribute to 30% of global warming! This should be the news of the century! The obvious solution is to KILL THE PLANTS!!! If we kill the plants then we can produce all the pollution we want guilt-free!

Would THIS Put You To Sleep???

I was at a friends house the other night as she was singin her baby off to sleep with a children's Lullaby. The song goes as such:

Rock-a-bye baby, in the tree top
When the wind blows, the cradle will rock
When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall
And down will come baby, cradle and all

The beginning of this ballad is indeed relaxing. The kid is rocking gently with the wind and it's very peaceful. But it takes on a whole new significance toward the end of the song when the branch breaks and the baby comes crashing to the ground! I can only envision the remains of the baby lying there in a pool of blood with a tree branch sticking through the cradle! This is one of the most gruesome things that can happen to either a baby or a parent! And we expect this disturbing nightmare to put kids to SLEEP???!!! This song must have been written by either a child abuser or a sociopath!

Of course, even bedtime stroies such as "Hansel & Gretel" are supposed to lull children off to slumber. Here is the story of two children who rob the lady, eat her house then throw her into an oven and watch her cook to death!

Is it any wonder kids are messed up?

Flaws Found in Intelligent Design Theory.

In an announcement sure to rock the scientific world, Dr. Jack Harvey, a noted biochemist, claims he has found several flaws in the scientifically regarded theory of "intelligent design".

"There are several aspects to the theory that just don't fit together", Dr. Harvey claims. "Penguins, for example. Why would any intelligent being design such a bird, unless as a cruel joke". Harvey claims that the birds awkward motions and inability to fly are not intelligent at all. "In fact, Dr. Harvey continues, "this bird is the work of a total moron".

Dr Harvey also claims that mosquitos, flies and many forms of bacteria are also not intelligently designed. "Not to mention ostiches", Harvey says, "Have you ever seen a more ridiculous looking animal?"

Harvey claims that even human beings have faults which a truly intelligent being would have solved before being placed on Earth. "Some humans are fine", he said, "while others tend toward obesity or develop some sort of illness. A truly intelligent creator would not have allowed such discrepancies".

Dr. Rob Weinstein, a respected molecular biologist, disagreed with Harvey's statements. "Harvey has no idea what he's talking about", Weinstein stated, "even the smartest of us make little mistakes. To err is human!"

Some scientists say that Havey's claims bolster the ridiculous idea of "evolution".

Cox Merges With Ucker

Atlanta, GA multi-media provider Cox Communications completed its planned merger with Ucker Media, a California based provider of internet services. The company will be re-named Cox-Ucker Inc.

Cox Communications has been a leader in the southwest for nearly 10 years. Most of the men and women in the South have Cox.

“I’ve always enjoyed Cox”, said Phoenix resident Sylvia Grant.

“I have enjoyed Cox for several years”, intoned area business manager John Stelling, “I hope this new Cox-Ucker can do just as well”.

Some people were not quite as enthusisatic about the recent merger. Area business owner Ralph Guspacho said, “Cox-Ucker can suck my (expletive deleted).

Martha Focker, a Cox-Ucker spokesperson said, “with the merger of these two powerhouses we will provided Cox-Ucker to most of the homes and businesses in the southwest and 18 states. This will pave the way for easier high-speed internet, cable TV, telephone and other Cox-Ucker services”.

Focker also stated that the new company will build a 50 story office building in downtown Atlanta, GA. The company plans to remove existing businesses with the newly revised “eminent domain” laws. Focker says that the Cox-Ucker empire is worth more to the community than a few apartments, stores and family restaurants.

“The eminent domain laws save the company money” she stated, “Instead of having to offer three or four times the market rate to buy the businessess out we can simply pay below-market rates and have the government kick them out. Of course, we will pass the savings along to the consumers”.

The company has changed all of its letterhead and business cards. Their office answering system already greets customers with “Thank you for calling Cox-Ucker...”

A spokesman for Qwest Communications, formerly Cox biggest competitor said, “We can’t compete against this Cox-Ucker. We must devise a new plan to prevent Cox-Ucker from driving us out of business!”

Newly appointed Cox-Ucker CEO George Graverly said in a prepared statement, “We intend on providing the best services to our customers and investors. Our new motto is Do Buisness the Cox-Ucker Way”.

There have been fears of massive layoffs and restructuring. To allay these fears, Graverly suggested that people who don't want to work for the company should quit.

When A Cop Pulls You Over, What Do You Say?

Of course, Cops ask stupid questions when they pull people over. And we are forced to give the wrong answer as there is no RIGHT answer.

For example, a cop pulls you over and inevitably says, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

How does one answer this? If I say "no" then it looks like I'm a careless and reckless driver with no conscious idea of what I'm doing. If I say "yes" then it looks like I'm deliberatly thumbing my nose at the law. In either case, I am forced to incriminate myself. But we can't exercise our Constitutional right to silence either because that would make us look even more guilty.

Perhaps honesty if the best policy. "Yes sir. I was going 90MPH in a 35MPH lane. Please write me a ticket and bring me to jail."

Nah! That won't work. Anyone have any suggestions?

Save The Trees Before It's Too Late!

A couple months ago I was at Six Flags Amusement Park with my girlfriend. After coming off the Tilta-A-Wheel I headed for a nearby tree to steady myself. I pulled a couple of leaves off the tree. A pot-bellied security guard spotted me and shouted, "Hey You!" At first I ignored him because I didn't realize I am the "you" he was referring to. He approached me.

"Hey Pal, did you just pull some leaves off that tree?"

I put my hand with the offending leaves behind my back and dropped them. "Why no, officer", I replied, knowing full well that he's not a police officer and that no police force in the country would ever even let this guy into the station without locking him up.

"I saw you do it!" Right then I knew that I was busted. "We have rules against people pulling the leaves off trees here!" he shouted. "What would happen if everyone started pulling the leaves off that trees".

I thought about this situation. It had never occured to me before. There are 100,000 visitors to that park every day. There are 300 million people in this country. If EVERYONE pulled a couple of leaves off that tree within hours the tree would be stripped bare! Then they would move on to the other trees in the park and start pulling their leaves off. Within a couple of weeks the entire park would be leafless! People, in their mad desire to defoliate, would then start ripping the leaves off any tree they saw! Within months the entire country would be defoliated! This phenomenon would spread to the rest of the world! People in the Amazon would have the entire rain forest plucked clean in days! The Earth would become polluted with CO2. The oceans would dry up! Humanity and life as we know it would be wiped out within 10 years! The Earth would burn to a cinder!!!

"I'm sorry sir", I said to the guard. "I guess it's a good thing EVERYONE doesn't do that".

"Just don't do it again", the guard said smuggly.

By preventing me from plucking leaves off the tree the guard had inadvertently saved humanity. My girlfiend and I went out and bought corn dogs. I took mine and shoved it up his ass.

Lighten up pal.

Is Porn Really So Bad?

I have heard that porn is considered "degrading" and "offensive" to women. However, most porn also involves guys! Are the guys not offended and degraded? We must ask ourselves "what is porn?" Porn is someone reading erotic stories or looking at pictures of nude women or men for the purpose of sexual gratification. It is an alternative or a precursor to "real sex". However, isn't every one of us the result of some horny guy getting aroused over a nude and (hopefully) horny woman? Thanks to porn even ugly people can get laid! Without naked women, erect penises and moist vaginas babies would not be born, productivity would decline, buisnessess would fail and within a hundred years the entire human race would cease to exist! Let's support Playboy and Penthouse and Hustler as they are paving the way for the future of the world! If porn is outlawed then only outlaws will have porn! As our civilization declines for a lack of porn I, for one, refuse to be the cause of the problem! Let's take off our clothes and run naked into the streets, take pictures of each other and celebrate horniness and procreation! Who's with me?

Mars Probes Vanish!

Being somewhat of a science buff I find it interesting to follow the news of all the various probes and satellites we have circling the Red Planet. However, it strikes me as odd that various "unexplained" things have been happening. A Martian probe had discovered the supposed crash site oof another martian probe but when the probe went to look a second time the supposed crash site had vanished! Another Mars probe was looking into the possibility of life on Mars by detecting methane in the atmosphere combined with water. As the probe went to examine this intriguing area where an abundance of methane was detected that probe too vanished! Of course, we all know methane is created by farting. It is a highly unstable gas that won't exist on its own for more than a couple hundred years. I suspect there are intelligent life forms on Mars trying to deter us from discovering their identity and they are causing our probes to crash! On the plus side, one of the Martian rovers was so covered in dust that it was nearly non-functional. Then, one night, all the solar panels were mysteriously swept clean! Scientists have no explanation. Could there be intelligent creatures on Mars? Or is it more likeley that out space program is inept? Or a combination of all three?

Stained Dress vs Slaughter of a Nation

I'm sure we all clearly recall the Clinton "sex scandal" where Clinton and Monica did some silly things with cigars. Why has that receieved more attention than the ruthless, illegal and unnecessary slaughter and brutal maimining of hundreds of thousands of Iraqi citizens and thousands of our soldiers? Why has Bush's ineptitude toward hurricane Katrina been swept under the rug? Why aren't we reading more about the dismal state of our economy? But, more importantly, why does ANYONE still support Bush and his band of imbeciles?

Christmas is Coming - Fuck Rudolph.

As the Christmas season draws near in this time of "political correctness" I suggest we drop the sappy Christmas story of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Though most childrens stories are politically incorrect, few stories in history have been as politically incorrect as this one.

We will note that Rudolph was born with a disability and the other reindeer children constantly taunted him, called him names and probably beat the shit out of him. His red nose was most likely either a genetic mutation or the result of alcoholic parents. This teaches children that "it's not ok to be different". Where was Santa while Rudolph was being so mercilessly harrassed by these youthful miscreants? Why were no measures taken to control the schoolyard bullying? Where were Rudolph's parents?

Later in the story Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh because his nose was a fucking beacon. Rudolph could have taken offense at this point and told Santa to go fuck himself. Instead he plays the hero and accepts Santa's offer to guide the sleigh. THEN all the reindeer loved him! They couldn't just accept him as he was but he had to prove that his mutation had some sort of merit before he would be accepted among his peers.

In todays society such abuse would not be tolerated. Rudolph could have grown into a serial-killing reindeer or engaged in a Colombine-style mass murder. Do we really want our children to be exposed to such things?

Bush appoints gal pal to cushy lifetime post!

Harriet Miers, who has never been anything but a sleazy lawyer, is Bush's newest appointment to the Supreme Court. Isn't that great news! For the next 20-30 years the court is going to be filled with Bush's Teach-Intelligent-Design-In-Schools idiot friends! There was once a time in which Supreme Court nominees served as a judge SOMEWHERE before they were appointed. If my life or liberty was on the line the last person I would want hearing my case is someone Bush appointed. I would be guaranteed injustice!

Saudi Nationals are healthier than poor people.

It seems a Saudia National has been given a liver transplant over 52 others on the waiting list ahead of him. Check out http://www.consumeraffairs.com/news04/2005/ca_liver_transplant.html for more information on how money can buy a longer life span! I suspect the doctors involved here have been, shall we say, paid off? This Saudi guy paid over 300,000 bucks more than an insurance company would have paid. That's enough to keep a couple of doctors in a swanky country club for a whole year! I wish I had that kind of dough. Of course, I'm glad I'm poor enough to not need a liver transplant!

The World is run by IDIOTS!

Lemme see. We have had more hurricanes in the past year than at any time in history. Hurricanes are caused by warm temperatures in the seas. We have Global Warming. Thus, it would seem logical to assume that Global Warming in contributing to these hurricanes. However, the Bush administration and some idiot scientists are reluctant to admit this! An article on Yahoo reads in part:

"Nanette Lomarda, acting chief of the tropical cyclone program division at the
World Meteorological Organization (WMO), also noted that the number of category 4 and 5 storms over that ocean had nearly doubled over the past 35 years.

But it was "premature" to say the frequency and intensity of hurricanes in the past decade -- fueled by higher sea surface temperatures -- is attributable to global warming, she said, adding that more research was needed to establish any link."

Granted, I ain't no chief of any tropical cyclone program, but high school science tells us that there is a DEFINITE FUCKING LINK! I suspect Bush has either brainwashed or paid off this lady as she is contradicting what most intelligent scientists are saying! GLOBAL WARMING CAUSES HURRICANES!

Bush and his idiot friends would never admit to this as admitting to global warming means businesses would have to change the way they manufacture in order to stop global warming. This would be very expensive for the businesses and they would have to raise their prices and not make as much profit. Meanwhile, we all die in hurricanes and the fish die from the warm seas. Get it?

We should all be RODENTS!

If we were all mice we would have found a cure for cancer many years ago and people would be living longer, more productive lives. Now it seems stem cells could save dying hearts in animals - but not people yet. An article in Nature Magazine reads in part:

"Studies have already shown that embryonic stem cells can improve blood flow after an attack in small animals, such as rodents. But in people, ethical controversies have slowed research into the benefits of embryonic stem cells for ailing hearts."

What is so unethical about wanting to save humanity? It seems George Bush and his pals have decided saving people from suffering is "unethical". Maybe we need a new definition for "ethical"?

It's not GLOBAL WARMING...It's BUSINESS!

It seems a Federal Judge has decided that people do not have the right sue the utilities industry for destroying the atmoshpere thus endangering all our lives. Instead, it's the decisison of out fearless leader GW Bush to decide these things. The article in Yahoo News reads in part:


"A New York federal judge dismissed a global warming lawsuit brought by eight states and the city of New York against five utilities, saying the issue is one for Congress or the president, not the judiciary.

The states filed suit against American Electric Power Co. Inc., Southern Co., Xcel Energy Inc., Cinergy Corp., and the Tennessee Valley Authority public power system in July 2004 asking the court to force the utilities to cut their carbon-dioxide emissions."

Now, I must ask, do you think Bush is going to do anything about these companies causing Global Warming? Bush has repeatedly placed business above human life. Here's a man that actually believes in creationism and thinks the world is 10,000 years old. Could we possibly have a stupider person in charge of the destiny of the world?

The US Constitution is Squeezeably Soft!

Between Bush and the Supreme Court the Constitution has become nothing more than toilet paper. Bush and his cronies have trampled our rights out of existence. Only the rich and large corporations have "rights". Jose Padilla, an American citizen, has been locked up as a suspected terrorist for two years WITHOUT CHARGES! It seems The Supreme Court has ruled that this is OK! Whatever happened to that old-fashioned "due process" stuff? Bodies are floating down the streets in New Orleans because Bush would not allow federal money put toward strengthening levees and delayed depoying National Guard troops were not deployed until too late despite the governor begging to do so. Bush seemed to do a noble thing when he started giving out $2,000 vouchers for the hurricane victims then abruptly stopped the program - except for people in the Houston Astrodome in Bush's state of Texas. Halliburton has been directed to do the "rebuilding" of Louisiana and Mississippi in a no-bid contract. Small businesses are being torn down under "eminent domain" laws so large businesses can put up shopping malls. Hundreds of thousands are dying in Iraq for no reason. He has repeatedly stated his objection to stem cell research which could alleviate suffering for millions. How many bodies does it require for America to wake up and realize this man is UNFIT???

We must blame the people.

I'm afraid we must blame the people for their suffering in the aftermath of Harricane Katrina. The people in these affected areas are primarily poor, uneducated, mostly black and are the antithesis of everything Bush and his administration represent. If these people only had the the good fortune to be born into white, upper class families and had expensive homes then the levees would have been strengthened long ago, the National Guard would have responded much faster and much of this disaster would have been averted or dealt with more quickly and with a minimal loss of life. There would be no bodies floating or SuperDomes erupting as the people would have simply gotten into their late model Mercedes or BMW's, checked into fancy hotels and immediately purchased new homes elsewhere thus contributing to the economy. So let's not blame the government for what is glaringly the peoples fault!